A Regret I Can Never Atone For

It is here in that moment that my Atheism is finally put to the test. Put on trial. I’m staring at the light, directly above the ambulance. Here and now, if there ever was a moment to have a spiritual revelation or reevaluation of religion, this was the time. I was ready to cast my nonbelief aside. I was desperate for it. I wanted to see a hint, a sign, a glimmer.. a glimpse – anything. I really wanted to be wrong in that moment. I was ready to grab onto anything, but i needed to see it. In this, my darkest hour.. i was looking for a miracle and proof that this wasn’t the end. I was looking for hope to atone.

A few hours earlier, April 10, 2008

I look up the staircase and see my bother sitting beside his computer and yell up to him “I’ll be back before 9.. we’ll get in a couple rounds of Hold’m when i get back. You know how much i love taking your funny money!”

Hrah hrah hrah, he snarked. My brother was great at Texas Holdem. I sucked. He knew it and i knew it. I was full of false bravado and not much else. He had been looking forward to this since i had been kept busy during the week working overtime for the struggling company i was working for. The 2008 economic collapse had not yet kicked in.. but i was already a victim of it’s red flags. And friends rarely dropped by to see him, tho i think it was at his request. He didn’t want people to see him as a cancer patient, he wanted people to see him when he was cured and all big bad and sexy.

With my pledge set, i took my fiance’s hand and we left for the dinner party she had booked us for.

As far as dinner parties go, this one wasn’t bad. I knew the hosts as friends, not simply acquaintances of my fiance. That being said, i’m not a fan of dinner parties at all. Call it a vestige of my introversion. I can suffer them with a smile, but i suffer nonetheless. I dull the pain with booze. Suffice it to say, i really didn’t want to be here tonight, i really wanted to be playing poker with my brother. But i had already promised my fiance that we would go do this, even tho it was brought up last minute. You know.. me being a nice guy and all, wanted to make sure i carried a good record of ‘Happy wife, happy life” into the marriage before it started.

We arrived at the destination. I finish parking my car in the school parking lot across the street from my friends place. Just before i get out of the car, my fiance brings up my brother. Specifically the very likely chance or possibility that he might end up either to sick to attend, or even die before the wedding. I simply look down at my feet and acknowledge that reality, tho it’s not something i wanted to dwell. He’d make it.

We enter the place, shoot the shit, chat it up while our host grabbed dinner. We ate. The women talked and me and my friend ended up looking over his computer. He always managed to get virus’s or issues on his laptop and me being the resident geek squad meant every dinner invite always carried the ulterior motive of tech support. A quick download of Malware Bytes later, he was on his way to recovery.

Evening was upon us and i gazed at my watch. “HOLY SHIT” i said in my head.. the time was 8:30. The highway wouldn’t be busy at this time but it was still a good 20 minutes from my mothers. My fiance was actively talking about something or other with my friends wife.

“10 minutes” i said in my head. I sat on the couch and looked at my watch again. “10 minutes and you’ll be off”.

Confidence is like “Magic” to Women

They don’t really care to know how the illusion is created, they just want to be excited by the trick!

“Fake it till you make it” – Or so the saying goes around these parts. I’ve already written about Confidence once, but i though i’d expand on it and how i believe women ‘experience‘ this thing men exude.

You see,

• Most people can’t step into the Octagon with a world champion MMA fighter and simply say “I’m confident i can take that motherfucker down!” – You’re face will end up looking like the bloody steak in the meat section of your local supermarket.
  
• Most people can’t  walk into a dōjō and simply say “Yo, you and you’re silly little black-belt are going down right here, right now bitch!” – Chances are, a doctor will be putting a cast on you somewhere.
  
  
• Most people can’t  walk onto an military firing range and dare the master marksman “I’ll bet you my house i can hit that target 1.5 kilometers away before you do!” – You’ll be crying while packing your bags and taping up the boxes for the movers.
  
  

You simply cannot be a novice and expect to beat masters with years of practice under their belt with simple platitudes of ‘just be more confident’. That’s kind of like throwing a never touched water neophyte into a raging torrent of fast moving water and saying stupid shit like “Just tread water!” or “Move your arms dammit!” or “Don’t breathe while under the water!!!”

Now, you can get lucky once in a while, so fake it till you make it has merit, but the true goal is to become proficient until you can replicate victory over and over successfully, by knowing you have the ability to cash the cheques your ego is writing!

That is where true confidence stems from. Natural confidence comes from external sources of validation and receptivity. It’s no secret that many good looking people exude natural confidence simply because people are more receptive and accepting of them (just ask Ted Bundy), more forgiving of faults or misdeeds by the beautiful people. It’s why we go “Awwwwww” when the cute little dog is taking a shit on the carpet and chewing on your shoes and biting your hand when you put it in the food bowl.. but you squish a creepy spider under your shoe without remorse, even tho it does the environment good by eating the pesky blood sucking mosquitoes! Spiders be creepy yo.

Once again, i’ve gone off track. Naturals are confident because they’re used to society being agreeable with them from the starting gate. Everyone else from average on down has to work for and succeed at things to build on confidence. We all know this is true.

Yet..

Comedians were the original Redpill dispensers

This guys just a walking Pharmaceutical of crimson pills

I give the manosphere credit for putting me on the path to understanding, knowledge, encouragement, education and interaction long enough to digest and internalize it.

But it was there all along in the form of comedy.

I guess comedy offered up too much plausible deniability. How else can you explain women laughing at jokes in a club that they’d hammer you with their purse with for in real life.

The hamster brain goes to sleep during comedy hour.

Notice how men can for a brief moment in time, rally around Chris Rock and cheer on his truth where individually any man from that crowd making the same point in a club, on the street, in his place of work, etc.. would be destroyed by the hamster, white knight mangina brigade.

Comedians always had the answers. Most of us just watched and laughed at the truth for that brief moment because it was safe to do so.

The sphere has turned that moment into a something much longer.

++

ps. notice there has never been a funny feminist? why? because all good comedy is based on underlying unspoken truths, taboo or otherwise.

When was the last time you knew a feminist who spoke the truth?

And there’s your answer 🙂

Honorable mentions go to Seth MacFarlane of “Family Guy” episodes:

I Am Peter, Hear Me Roar

and

The Giggity Wife

My stance on Fat Shaming

A lot has been said about the fat girl who posed with the slim built guy in protest of Abercrobie&Fitch.

I’m going to keep this short.

No one should be made to feel horrible or ashamed for how they look. No one. I don’t shame anyone for being fat in and of itself.

I have a problem with hypocrites tho, those who pretend to take a stand of sorts, which is standing for inequality and doing the easy thing.. not the hard thing.

No one can claim to deign what is and isn’t attractive to another human being. This is the lesson of the manosphere. Attraction just is. You being angry because a guy doesn’t find you sexually appealing because you are fat is no different than you not being attracted to the guy who lives in his moms basement at the age of 35 while playing WoW on Xbox and Dungeons and Dragons on the weekend.

I am saying this because i have never gone out of my way to intentionally harm someone else’s esteem, especially those who know their esteem is already low. It’s like kicking  lame horse.

There was a time when i was kicked. For both being fat, and for being the beta unattractive loser unworthy of a relationship.

So i get it.

I also keep stressing i know many people in real life, who are ‘big’.. who are the nicest people you would meet. Perhaps humility and humble come from adversity, and never having had the silver spoon in the mouth. Just a theory.

But..

Here’s my problem with the whole Militant Baker protest.

The Fly on the Wall Reports Back on “Girls Night”. Sluts shame good girls.

Before i start this post let me just get a couple small items off my list.

1. To everyone asking about my p90x page. I’m sorry, i’ve just been too damn lazy to put it together because i tried giving advice tips and info… when i should have just put up my damn pics and be done with it. When the page is ready, i’ll announce it.

2. I’ve hit a personal milestone on my adventure with braces. I can run my tongue along my bottom row of teeth and it feels smooth with no gaps. It’s exciting to see and feel results. I can’t wait for the finished product. Don’t ever kid yourself. A great smile is 50% of your confidence. Also, i can slip the little rubber christmas tree brushes between all but 2 of my teeth! Whoohoo!

..

Ok, with all that out of the way.

Last night i had a 4 hour conversation my friend, the one who lost a shit ton of weight and is on her way to looking stunning again. Let’s call her “E”. In a previous post i mentioned my almost FWB who went by the label of “J” and my exwife “S”. Let’s also add the label “B” to my ex’s close friend. Keep these in mind as i proceed.

I won’t recap the entire discussion, too bloody long. Let’s just say i am really proud with myself for how much RedPill knowledge i’ve acquired, accepted and internalized. The information i was giving her, the way i answered her numerous questions, and the way the pieces ‘just fit’ in explaining how human nature works, startled even myself when i left for home. I gave her the unvarnished truth and didn’t hold back, neither her nor her brother denied or disagreed with much anything i said because everything i stated was backed up by experiences both of them actually had throughout their lives.

I put the puzzle together for them right before their very eyes. They saw the real picture of the world, the way the pieces were meant to fit, not the disjointed, misshapen horror they were looking at when they tried forcing pieces together that were not meant to be joined.

Of course it doesn’t hurt that she’s what i call a natural RedPill ready woman. She’s a traditional type that accepts the male leads/woman follows dynamic, the Captain/1st officer roles. She admits she likes being led. For lack of better terms, she knows she’s RedPill, she just doesn’t understand why.

Although she was absolutely and completely naive about the world of relationships, and carried no real comprehension of what men look for in women, why the behave the way they do (aka taking walks to see the sunset not because we enjoy it ourselves, but part of the imperative that says we have to entertain your interests if we wish to partake in sex down the road), hypergamy, women’s nature, sexual ranks, attraction, the wall, aging, etc. I told her things she certainly didn’t want to hear, but she took it all in stride. She also learned for the first time ever that i went through 12 years without and didn’t even conceive of the possibility that men aren’t able to get sex when they want. (apex fallacy/80/20) She didn’t think men felt emotions during sex, that it was no different than when a guy masturbates. She really held her mind open to listening and i saw the gears turning as she didn’t blow up in emotional hysterics but actually digested the information, connecting dots.

Like the wisdom of the ancients being emptied from the Matrix of Leadership to combat the Hate Plague, she was an empty vessel ready to be re-filled with knowledge and wisdom. Of ancients no less. Wisdom her grandmother and great grandmothers before her held. Wisdom erased by 40+ years of feminist bullshit.

As i said, it was a long, deep and honest conversation.. with revelations about me and my own personal supplicating beta behaviour and the things i did wrong in my marriage. She also volunteered that she was cognisant of the fact that men are visual and knew full well that guys were going to start coming onto her again after 4 years of being obese. It’s because she’s venturing off into the world of dating that she started the whole conversation with me, specifically me because she has found me to be completely honest and cerebral with her, pulling no punches. She REALLY wants to learn. I found out she is very much the traditionalist and that aside from a brief bit of experimenting with which she did not enjoy the outcomes of, she is a low number count woman.

It was somewhere in the middle of this conversation that i was clued in on the fact that she had experienced a “Girls Night’ with her friend, my ex and my ex’s friend. And it was during this night when girls do as they do when they get together that they discuss boys, and sex acts, and how many guys they’ve slept with.

What i heard simply floored me on a visceral level.

These ‘good girls’ that i had envisioned throughout my entire beta life, my entire incel period.. were feeding at the trough with reckless abandon and it became much more sinister than just that. And here was more poor dear low count friend sandwiched amongst these “ladies” when the question turned to how many guys they let access their gates.

“E” told me that she sat there as she heard the number 18 and 60 thrown out (Tho who had which number she didn’t say). When the time came for her to answer, she was hesitant because her number simply couldn’t compare to theirs, so she meekly said “5”.

My ex isn’t black. Nor is she 6 years old. You got the point tho right?

A teenage girl’s best weapon against slut-culture? Her dad.

Not sure how many of you have read Judgy Bitch but while i’ve got some high traffic spikes happening i thought i’d introduce you guys. She’s awesome, and today’s piece about the importance of fathers in the development of their daughters is a moving and necessary piece in the face of feminism’s constant prattle about the non-necessity of men.

judgybitch

The Daily Mail has been running a series about the very real cultural threats that make becoming a young woman with sense and morals and manners so bloody difficult. The last article in the series today is well worth a read, because it’s about the importance of a father to a young girl just blossoming into womanhood, and that is so often left out of the debate.

I’m not one for “trigger warnings”, since I figure calling myself JudgyBitch is a pretty big indication that I might be “judgy” and quite possible “bitchy”, but in this case I do want to warn readers that the author of this article is critical of fathers who are absent, but neglects to mention the fact that most fathers who are absent have been removed forcefully from their daughter’s lives by family courts that tend to award custody to female parents with little to…

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No One Is Entitled To Commitment

Dovetails nicely into the ending of my previous post, The Crime of Being Nice ( https://whoism3.wordpress.com/2013/01/10/the-crime-of-being-nice/ ).. Heartiste does what he does best, performing the same wonderful switch as he did in his post about Everyman Needs A Harem of Women ( http://heartiste.wordpress.com/2012/06/20/every-man-needs-a-harem-of-women/ ) where he flipped a stupid CNN article in a gender swap.
Bravo!

Open Letter To An Unnamed Woman

A fellow Torontonian shows much more restraint and understanding than i would. If she pulled that on me, she’d probably be waking up this week.

Remarkable restraint in the face of pure hatred.. dare i say pure evil. Kudos to him. This woman needs to be outted publicly. Holy hell i can’t even believe she holds any educational position at a revered institution such as U of T. Personally, i think ‘womens studies’ should be dismantled. You might as well have the KKK tenure there teaching racial and cultural tolerance classes.

22to28 :: Don't screw up

Dear Ma’am,

I’m pretty sure that you know who I am, as we recently met informally at an event where Warren Farrell was speaking. Just in case it has slipped your mind, we have our own Youtube video.

If you are reading this, I’d like to start out by saying the following: while it is hard for me to believe that you want it, I want you to know that you have my forgiveness. I don’t doubt for one moment that you meant everything that you said to me that night. I have no doubt that you intended to be as hurtful as possible. I’m not giving you a pass by assuming that you were having a bad moment or that you were overcome by emotion and said something you didn’t mean.

I know you meant what you said and that you probably still do. But, I forgive you regardless. I’m…

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Awareness and Intent

I began my own blog mere hours after destroying an on again off again 17 year orbit around my own emotional vampire during summer earlier this year. Rollo brings excellent insight into why women do the LJBF routine, and what you as a man must recognize in order to break the cycle.

 

My good friend DJ Damage had an interesting question regarding last week’s post and the time-tested classic LJBF rejection:

Hey Rollo would you say that women consciously know what they are doing to their male friends?! I mean lets take the AFC out of the equation for a moment and focus on the women. When a woman lays the LJBF’s line on her “male friend” doesn’t she realises that this AFC who is standing before her wanted to fuck her for the longest time?! Doesn’t she see anything wrong with the fact that in her eyes its not ok for a man to reject the LJBF’s line yet its ok to string a man along, pepper him with false hopes and some physical contact and then be surprised (or act surprised) he may want more??!!

Or is it just to accept the fact that women are women and you…

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This shouldn’t really be news, but…

In a feminist world teaching that women don’t need men, starting back in the day with that horse Murphy Brown, worshiping heroic single moms who who threw the men/fathers out of their kids lives, or want to play the empowered single woman who wants it all…

GO AHEAD AND FUCK UP YOUR TEENS LIFE YOU SELFISH FUCKS

Relationship with Dad Affects Teens’ Sexual Behavior

Fathers’ attitudes toward teen sex and the emotional closeness of their relationship with their teen have a sizeable influence on their teens’ sexual behaviors, separate from the influence of moms, a new review of studies suggests.

I’ve met many daddy’s issue girls that validated this theory eons ago.

Previous studies have linked positive parent-teen relationships with teens’ sexual behaviors. For example, researchers have shown that parents who monitor and discipline their teens and communicate with them reduce the risk of their teens being involved in sexually risky behaviors.

You don’t say.

However, most studies have focused on the influence of mothers on teens’ behaviors.

Because only mommies count.

“The lack of focus on fathers represents a critical missed opportunity to improve the sexual and reproductive health of teens,” Guilamo-Ramos said.

Pass it on: Fathers’ attitudes toward teen sex have a big influence on teenage sexual behavior.

To little, too late.

Enjoy the decline.