LIMBO

Hey guys n gals, sorry for the lack of posting. I’ve been in a dark place. I think that incel post dredged up a lot of issues i’ve never resolved. It also didn’t help that i had an old friend tell me that she discovered my blog ages ago. Talk about a mind job. I didn’t know i was that famous and now the veil of anonymity really just went *poof* in a very real way.

And i’ve been struggling with a relapse of depression brought on by old blue pill mentality. Par for the course. I’ll explain further below about how i ended up here.

Currently i’m in limbo. I mean really in limbo. So many thoughts running through my head i’m having a tough time parsing anything intelligible. Lots written down but nothing i can piece together. So i thought i’d just put out a ramble.

Firstly, my tone. I realize i come off harsh to a great many people. I throw around the word slut without blinking an eye. I easily jump on the bandwagon talking about land whales and fat shaming because it’s just so easy to get caught up in the moment when everyone else in the sphere enjoys throwing around funny words for obese people. Sometimes i forget there was a time when i was fat. Sometimes i forget some of my best friends are/have been fat. There’s also a story i have in drafts about me basically calling someone out as a slut in real life. Didn’t feel quite as good because it wasn’t a complete stranger in a bar but someone i knew. It gets a little more real then when you can’t count on generalizations but have to tackle their individual choices and evaluate mitigating circumstances.

Having said that..

When i speak harshly, it’s not because i want to inflict pain on anyone. I know each person is an individual, with individual life events that shape them. I mean, look at my own incel post. My life was shaped for me entirely by a neglectful father who failed to teach me proper masculinity, an overprotective mother who smothered me, a dysfunctional family that made me feel like constantly protecting my mother and in effect ALL women, and being young and impressionable right at the height of feminism’s tyrannical grip over society and the education system telling me to put my hand down and let the girls go first. So believe me, I GET IT! You may have been naive. You may have not known what you wanted. You may have been lied to. You may have every reason in the world to become obese or have lived like a slut.

But i can’t write for the individual, i write for a wider audience, specifically the guys who have been affected most by the balance of power in a femcentric world that has always placed the value of women over men, and i don’t have time to deal with people on a 1 on 1 basis. Generalities must be used and shaming language must be applied to show that these are actions and lifestyles i cannot condone for society to follow.. the kind of society i want to live in. If the person can live with it on their own that’s great, but i can’t sit back and say ‘jolly good show, you are an inspiration to the next generation, keep at it!‘. I can’t.

I hate this current society. I want to see it perish in flames. I don’t care if a fucking comet comes along and decides to kiss our planet and bathe us in the warm glow of a billion stars. I want our fake society to end. The one that allows women, the ones who set the rules for the SMP by virtue of the innate men as chasers, women as choosers system, to game the system and exploit it so they can have all the benefits and men carry the burdens. I’ve already written how i believe the current system is set on a path towards the end of our current way of life and i for one welcome it and wish to hasten the process. One giant EMP blast would certainly do the trick and have them begging for patriarchy once the advantage of technological advancement is removed. It’s all that keeps the current society running on ‘borrowed time’.

My friend who found my blog asked me why i care, make it such a  personal and vicious fight, why i speak of women poorly in generalities and teach men not to trust women from the onset but to run them through the filter harshly to see if they make it through. She asked me if i ever thought of the innocent women i will be harming. Ones who don’t believe in feminism, or the ones who are too naive to understand. Why am i doing this she asked?

Because i want to inflict as much collateral damage as i can so that the system simply cannot bear to continue operating as it does. I want the process to be so painful so that women make the choice on their own to disavow feminism, speak out against it, to stop being so narcissistic, solipsistic and gynocentric and realize that hey guess what.. if you want your society to continue to grow and prosper.. this 80-20 model won’t work, telling men they’re evil for being men won’t work, teaching men to act like women won’t work, and that the old rules were in place for a reason. Call it Patriarchy, call it common sense.. ignoring the majority of men for the majority of life will BLOW BACK IN YOUR FUCKING FACES and if we don’t get men making life absolutely unbearable for women via alpha pump & dumps and mgtow on marriage strikes.. women will not change the course out of the goodness of their hearts. Tucker Max is my hero. For every girl he blasted he sent a message to every beta. This girl is a whore not worth your time. Why would you love a whore like her who coughed it up for a douchebag like me? You’re going to treat her like your special loving snowflake knowing i laughed in her face, told her she’d come home with me knowing what a dick i am, not looking at her like a human or a person but a walking cum dumpster, jackhammered her cunt and blew my load all over her face and body till she looked like a fucking Krispe Kreme donut. Go ahead, wife that up.

As an aside.. does anyone remember a time when guys had to ask a girls dad for permission to go out with her? Ya neither do i. Tho i bet they knew something back then.. like women can be trusted to make poor choices if we don’t monitor their actions. Welcome to 2012.

I firmly subscribe to the Raz Al Ghul ideal as of this moment. Our society is sick in it’s decadence and it must be allowed to die. To be replaced with something that will restore a natural order to things.

No… as much as i like my friend i will not deviate from my continuing message of avoid marriage, avoid sluts, go your own way, as men choose your own path. If it’s pua pump n dump, more power to you. If it’s mgtow im there with you. Anything in between, knock yourself out. Wanna get married? Go for it. Just don’t say i didn’t warn you.

My friend asked me why i couldn’t just concentrate on myself and leave the world to figure itself out on it’s own. Because i truly don’t give a flying fuck about a society that quite frankly did not care about anything i had to offer to the world when it mattered simply because i couldn’t muster enough ability to be a trained monkey to make a girl laugh 24-7 and tingle her panties off fast enough to try and start a relationship with me in our wonderful ‘hookup’ culture.

And because i don’t want my friends daughter to grow up to write something like this or this.

If only someone had shamed me 17 years ago into taking action.. i wouldn’t be writing this blog.

Rant 1 over.

Secondly, i can’t believe how far the incel post went. It touched so many people. Just wow.

I have received so many comments and emails from it, it boggles the mind. To know so many others went through similar patches.. or still going through even worse patches.. never ending patches. I have no words. First let me say that i have read all the comments. Every last one. I have read all your emails that you have sent me. Every last one. I haven’t answered any of them, many asking me what i would do, what they should do, give them some game advice….

What i feared the most was seeing that post turn me into some kind of prophet or messiah, someone with answers.

I have none. I only have my stories for you to extrapolate from. I can give you the bare basics, tell you to improve yourself, don’t be a doormat and let anyone, much less women walk over you. And for god sakes never get married, EVEN IF YOU WANT TO. You can gladly tell women that you’d love to get married, but will not unless the law becomes equitable and no-fault divorce removed. That puts the onus on them to change the system they want us to buy into.

While i believe in game and tell guys to pick it up, i’m not Roosh. I’m not Rollo. I’m not Heartiste. I’m you. I’m still on my own journey and haven’t figured out yet what i’m doing, much less an authority on telling you what to do. I don’t want to put you on a path of pump and dump if it’s not in you, neither do i want to chastise you if you do. You need to come to terms with what you can live with (much like what is causing me to be stuck in LIMBO) and then act on it.

I have a clearer understanding of women’s nature and how they react but by no means am i suave and debonair. (Not until you get a few drinks in me and then i throw caution to the wind). My game is still evolving. Christ, i’m still trying to get over approach anxiety myself so i’m not really in a position to tell you guys anything! I’m taking tips from Danny for fuck sakes! (hehe. j/k Danny got serious game.. ask HIM for advice) I’m still trying to build up the resolve one might get when standing on the edge of a precipice with the bungee cord wrapped around your feet. At some point you have to take in a deep breath, say “FUCK IT” and jump. I still haven’t jumped. I may try Private Man’s suggestion this weekend as a starting point.

This is why i haven’t answered any of your emails. I can’t give you advise without knowing who you are.

Rant 2 over.

So now we come to my LIMBO.

It goes something like this.

I want a good decent girl and not a party skank slut.

I want to grow old with someone i care about. (still bluepill i know)

I don’t want marriage.I don’t trust marriage. I don’t want kids.

I haven’t prepared for a life of marriage or kids because of my past.

I can’t ask for or expect a good girl to sack her future for me.

I know i’ve limited my pool drastically.

I might only be able to draw from a pool of former or current sluts.

I cannot emotionally connect with a woman i don’t care about.

I cannot give a shit to pleasure a woman beyond self gratification if i do not care about her on an emotional level.

I feel it is not worth the effort to pleasure a women to multiple orgasms if i feel like just another random cock.

I do not feel like trying during sex with a woman who treats sex as just sex.

I need complete trust in a woman to be at my sexual best and give her unending orgasms.

I feel like it’s a chore and i would rather masturbate than reward a SatC slut with good sex.

I derive no pleasure from animalistic, non connected sex.

I know my blue pill life has broken me.

I can’t get what i desire and can’t live with what i can get.

I accept i may run out the clock and die alone.

I feel empty.

I have had fleeting moments of despair and dark thoughts for over a week now.

I hate limbo.

I hate what i’ve lived as a product of my feminized environment.

I hate the pain of the RedPill.

I’m waiting for something to take hold.

I’m waiting to wake up so i can be a young man again.

Confessions of a Reformed InCel

[UPDATE 4-26-2018]

It’s been almost 4 years since i left this space of the internet. It’s been almost 6 years since i wrote the below post.

A lot changes with time away from the sphere. I’ve lived a normal life, with a great gal in a ‘normal’ family setting, engaging with society, a totally different man that the one 4, 6, 10+ years ago. Had i not taken that journey, a cathartic one no doubt, who knows where i could have ended up. You couldn’t really write a better ending for the journey i took from the mouth of Hell back to normality.

And then Monday happens. April 23, 2018 at 1:24pm. A beautiful, warm sunny day not unlike the kind 9/11 is remembered for.

I want to state this right off the bat for the record. My heart and my sympathies go out to every individual affected by the Van assault mass murder by the person who i will not name. I won’t acknowledge the killer or immortalize him. Not only do i not condone his actions, i condemn them as strongly as i can condemn anything. He is a coward.

At the height of my depression, at the lowest point in my life being incel, i never considered violence against anyone but myself. Even then i realized that ones actions don’t exist in a bubble, and that every action you apply resonates beyond whatever you’re looking at. But for this individual, he crossed into the dangerous territory where his focus was not to look at others as people who have family and friends and coworkers who will be impacted and grieve. All he saw was a society that isolated him, did not care to help him but instead ridiculed him, and decided that since he lost in the game of life.. he was going to drag as many to the bottom with him before he died. Ultimately he even failed at suicide, which is somewhat ironic.. confirming his failure at everything.

I know somewhere on my blog, there are comments by me, denouncing Elliot Rogers. (I should have made a post, and if i didn’t that would be a glaring oversight on my part). While i have the ultimate empathy for true suffering incels, who have gone without the basic and primal human connection one can have with the opposite sex.. i have NO SYMPATHY whatsoever for those who take that pain and decide to unleash it on others. Those innocent people Elliot shot were not the cause of Elliots incelness. Elliots unwillingness to embrace TRP hard truths were the source of his pain. The people that were run down on Monday in Toronto, so very close to home to me and the ones i love, who could easily have been in his bombsights on any given day, were not the cause of this individuals alleged incelness. An unwillingness to try to become better than he was, was the cause of it.

It was their absolute lack of trying to change to be something better. Or maybe worse, they were just broken and irreparable from the start. I try to believe everyone can be saved.. but who knows anymore. When i watched the video’s of Elliot Roger come out, i sat there horrified. In another life, that *might* have ended up being me had i not course corrected. I wondered if the chance could ever occur, was there something myself.. or anyone much more suited like Rollo, could ever have said to snap him out of his delusional angst? You could see it in his eyes on the videos.. this one is too far gone to help. If you ever wanted to see what ‘entitled to womens bodies’ actually looks like, stare at Elliots face. Most incels don’t feel entitled.. they feel like they’ve been left out of the party everyone else is having. Entitled is crashing the party and ruining it for everyone else.

TRP takes many forms. Early on i decided i wanted to take the ‘become the best you that you can be’ mantra version. I didn’t want to ‘game’ for hookups, i wanted to invest in myself, to truly change who i was so i could confidently command the asking price rather than beg for crumbs. Rollo very recently discussed how many come to TRP and complain they wont be able to carry on ‘the act’. He explained how when he applied it and internalized it, it became part of who he was and second nature, and it was no longer an act, it was just him. That’s the part i tried to emulate.. to take the lessons, and apply them and use them until it no longer felt like i’m pretending to be someone i’m not. But you have to try, and make the time and put in the effort. And you have to have realistic expectations to boot. I will never be Ryan Reynolds or Channing Tatum in looks.. but on the range of unattainable beauty standards, and where i started, i hit a happy medium i was proud of. Can i go further? Sure, but thats my call, not societies.

But you still need to put in the work. Even if you can’t reach the ideal, strive for it. The whole concept of ‘you’re perfect just the way you are’ needs to die. Can you imagine how much Elliot might have thought that about himself? Or the van murderer? If you are unhappy, the only person who can do something about that is YOU. No one else. And telling unhappy people that they’re ok as they are is a recipe for disaster.

I still have complete empathy for the incel community, but i want to hope that the ones who reach the TRP message take the right, and not the wrong lessons from this. Become better, knowledge is power, but apply it properly and dont expect a quick fix! Looking at my ancient story below, you will notice that the happy ending does not occur right away, but years later once the core tenets of TRP are internalized and applied. Shorcuts often lead to more anguish in this regard.

As much as this tragedy has personally disturbed me to the core, i am equally troubled by the way some of the media outlets are handling this. While undoubtedly there are many misogynistic incels (whom you still need to reach out to in order to quell the rage), there are equally harmless ones, confused ones, and angry ones who simply learn for the first time they’ve been playing by the wrong set of books. Were we to actually engage with incels in a real fashion, and first acknowledge that YES, it is debilitating, humiliating and emotionally devastating to the individuals who suffer through it.. we need to actually engage with them without judgement of how and why they got there, and realistically work with them in an honest fashion to help them overcome their problems. Chastising them, yelling at them, mischaracterizing them or applying blanket misogyny labels upon them – WILL NOT – i repeat, will not bring them into the open to educate, treat, rehab or reform them. It will drive them further into darkness where you just might start producing more of these emotionally spent, dead eyed, uncaring, lay waste to the world, reproductive losers in the game of life.. dehumanize everyone surrounding them. They go on to become the next one. Their rationalization is so apparent, i don’t understand why no one can see it.

They spend their entire lives isolated, in pain, wondering what about them is so wrong as to never be desired. It’s not obvious to them, otherwise they’d have done something. Or they’ve been enabled by liars who tell them they’re perfect as they are, to just be themselves. And yet, being themselves only incites ridicule from others, taunting, jeers and derision. Once this isolation hits a peak, they no longer see people around them as people, they see them as abusers. Everyone who is having a good time, smiling, laughing, enjoying life, having lives, having sexual relationships, having romance, sharing emotions.. all in front of the face of the one who is told ‘no, not for you, you can’t play with us’. There are some who are ok with this, accept their lot in life, and stay there. There are other who decide to change themselves so they too can join the game. And finally, there are the Elliots and Toronto van murderer who decide that if they can’t enjoy this life like others can, they’re gonna ruin it for the rest of us. That’s it in a nutshell.

My one wish is that this issue is examined without the polarization we see in todays politics of left and right, where each side screams at the other saying ‘you’re wrong’ and nothing happens except a race to the bottom. You can’t expect people to come to you for help when you’re going to demonize them from the outset. That needs to stop. Incels need help. What that help is and how it reaches them is another discussion altogether. But it’s one that needs to happen to keep shit like this from repeating.

I have not enough words of condolence i can give to the innocents who were taken, and the lives of everyone else who will be affected by their loss. This tragedy hit too close to home.

It could have been me. It could have been me in front of that van on any other routine day. It could have been my family, my friends, my coworkers, anyone i love and care about. It is still surreal that this happened at all.

I also shudder to think ‘could it have been me’ inside the van behind the wheel,.. had i not found TRP and changed my life instead of believing the pretty lies of others. Was i ever capable, would enough time in hell for me produce a similar fate? I don’t ever want to know.

I grieve with Toronto for those who were lost, i have to hope it never happens again. Most of all, that will require changing the way we talk about this issue.

…

[EDIT – Days after Elliot Roger murders: For anyone new coming here from The Daily Dot, Reddit, Ask Men or anywhere else. Once you are finished reading this piece (due to the interest since the Elliot Rogers murders) and you get all your feathers ruffled about the ‘feelings’ section, please head over HERE for understanding the proper context lest you get your panties in a bunch. If you assume the language was written as intent rather than contextualizing what would be required to have women stripped of their natural biological advantage of being noticed solely for the fact they are female – then i can’t help you or you comprehension skills. peace the fuck out]

…

[ORIGINAL POST BEGINS]

November 17, 2012. enough is enough. i warned y’all it might get depressing. here goes. don’t worry, it ends well. i think.

+++

In honor of my 10,000th view.. i’m going to publish what i consider the hardest post i’ve ever written. But it needs to be written, for i may be an extreme, i know i’m not alone. This isn’t written for the PUA or the Alpha or the Pussy Slayer™. This is written for you, the one without hope..  to know there is hope and you can get better.

Thanks for the hits guys! Snapshot taken 07/09/12 at 2:33 pm after 3 weeks on the interwebz.

[actually no.. i’ve crossed 50k. that’s how long i’ve been holding onto this draft, terrified of letting it go. but i saw a comment today that finally let me pull the trigger.]

It is so Very hard to hit that PUBLISH button.

Writing this post is a source of *shame* for me. It’s been sitting in my drafts for about 2 weeks [edit: 5+ months actually]…

But at this point in my life having endured what i have, it does not trouble me putting it out in the sphere. I am sure i am not alone in this and that this post will actually help someone out there. Some of you may relate. Women hopefully may finally understand where my anger and cynicism stems from.

So i’ve decided to unleash it. [about time?]

Firstly, before you continue, please go read THIS POST. [Edit Apr.30,2014: Due to the explosion of traffic from AskMen, I have noticed this post is no longer available, so i will instead invite you to go read THIS POST instead ] No offense to the author, my past wasn’t her fault.. but it struck the usual nerve with me. You need to read posts like this to let the feeling of inequality fill you up.

Welcome back..

When i read it or stories like it, these are the THINGS I FEEL (and yes, i know ‘feelings’ are the domain of a woman)

• When i hear a woman tell me that she’s gone through a dry spell and not had sex in over X weeks/ months.. i feel like putting my fist through her face.
• When i hear a woman tell me that she feels ugly or unloved or unwanted because her partner hasn’t touched her in over 6 months, i feel like laughing loudly 3 inches from her face.
• When i hear a woman tell me that she just picked up a random guy for a night of fun because she was lonely, i feel like i’m glad i don’t own a gun.
• When i hear a woman tell me that i shouldn’t feel bad about having gone without for so long, after all it’s only just sex, i feel like disfiguring her face with a scalpel.

Nature’s cruel joke and cosmic irony in one. I as a man, biologically driven365 days a year to ejaculate and produce sperm as often as possible, and having the drive and desire to want it every waning moment, who is villified for this natural urge and made to feel ashamed of my sexuality, control it and subdue it to conform to the feminine imperative… have to listen to women, who in their solipsism cannot fathom the ordeal of what i’m about to write about, women who biologically ovulate and desire sex rather infrequently compared to men, talk about, no celebrate their sexuality, their urges and desires.. and lament their short dry spells as if the world were coming to an end. They can never understand what a power differential there is in these urges.

Women can say they love sex just as much as men. I would call BS. Until there is a glut of male prostitutes, male escorts, male rub n tugs for female patrons, a demand for male sex workers and strippers i’ll say nay. Unless they’re all having alpha sex on the side perhaps? Or will touching themselves to 50 shades suffice? At least mommy porn is culturally acceptable. Women DO NOT need sex like men do.. otherwise the sphere would not exist.

Anyways.. back to my pitiful former life.

I have no pictures of myself from a time period stretching from high school to my late 20’s, save for some randoms others might have taken of me. I have no memories or recollections of my time in high school. I have no stories of parties, girlfriends or wild flings. It’s a time period i wiped from my mind, much like PTSD. The only way i can recall it is if i sit down and think really hard about it. I rarely do because i don’t like feeling like shit for the hell of it.

I was that beta/omega/zeta. I let myself get LJBF‘ed on multiple occasions being that ‘nice guy’ that male hating cunt Amanda Marcotte despises. I  played by the rules as handed down to me by the feminine authorities on what women would look for and appreciate in a man. I was asked to believe what they said, not what they did. ‘Just be yourself‘ (your nice beta supplicating self) was the golden code.

So here it is… my Incel Hell.

This is where you will stay for the next 12 years. Enjoy your stay.

<deep breath>