Posts Tagged ‘depression’

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LIMBO

November 29, 2012

Hey guys n gals, sorry for the lack of posting. I’ve been in a dark place. I think that incel post dredged up a lot of issues i’ve never resolved. It also didn’t help that i had an old friend tell me that she discovered my blog ages ago. Talk about a mind job. I didn’t know i was that famous and now the veil of anonymity really just went *poof* in a very real way.

And i’ve been struggling with a relapse of depression brought on by old blue pill mentality. Par for the course. I’ll explain further below about how i ended up here.

Currently i’m in limbo. I mean really in limbo. So many thoughts running through my head i’m having a tough time parsing anything intelligible. Lots written down but nothing i can piece together. So i thought i’d just put out a ramble.

Firstly, my tone. I realize i come off harsh to a great many people. I throw around the word slut without blinking an eye. I easily jump on the bandwagon talking about land whales and fat shaming because it’s just so easy to get caught up in the moment when everyone else in the sphere enjoys throwing around funny words for obese people. Sometimes i forget there was a time when i was fat. Sometimes i forget some of my best friends are/have been fat. There’s also a story i have in drafts about me basically calling someone out as a slut in real life. Didn’t feel quite as good because it wasn’t a complete stranger in a bar but someone i knew. It gets a little more real then when you can’t count on generalizations but have to tackle their individual choices and evaluate mitigating circumstances.

Having said that..

When i speak harshly, it’s not because i want to inflict pain on anyone. I know each person is an individual, with individual life events that shape them. I mean, look at my own incel post. My life was shaped for me entirely by a neglectful father who failed to teach me proper masculinity, an overprotective mother who smothered me, a dysfunctional family that made me feel like constantly protecting my mother and in effect ALL women, and being young and impressionable right at the height of feminism’s tyrannical grip over society and the education system telling me to put my hand down and let the girls go first. So believe me, I GET IT! You may have been naive. You may have not known what you wanted. You may have been lied to. You may have every reason in the world to become obese or have lived like a slut.

But i can’t write for the individual, i write for a wider audience, specifically the guys who have been affected most by the balance of power in a femcentric world that has always placed the value of women over men, and i don’t have time to deal with people on a 1 on 1 basis. Generalities must be used and shaming language must be applied to show that these are actions and lifestyles i cannot condone for society to follow.. the kind of society i want to live in. If the person can live with it on their own that’s great, but i can’t sit back and say ‘jolly good show, you are an inspiration to the next generation, keep at it!‘. I can’t.

I hate this current society. I want to see it perish in flames. I don’t care if a fucking comet comes along and decides to kiss our planet and bathe us in the warm glow of a billion stars. I want our fake society to end. The one that allows women, the ones who set the rules for the SMP by virtue of the innate men as chasers, women as choosers system, to game the system and exploit it so they can have all the benefits and men carry the burdens. I’ve already written how i believe the current system is set on a path towards the end of our current way of life and i for one welcome it and wish to hasten the process. One giant EMP blast would certainly do the trick and have them begging for patriarchy once the advantage of technological advancement is removed. It’s all that keeps the current society running on ‘borrowed time’.

My friend who found my blog asked me why i care, make it such a  personal and vicious fight, why i speak of women poorly in generalities and teach men not to trust women from the onset but to run them through the filter harshly to see if they make it through. She asked me if i ever thought of the innocent women i will be harming. Ones who don’t believe in feminism, or the ones who are too naive to understand. Why am i doing this she asked?

Because i want to inflict as much collateral damage as i can so that the system simply cannot bear to continue operating as it does. I want the process to be so painful so that women make the choice on their own to disavow feminism, speak out against it, to stop being so narcissistic, solipsistic and gynocentric and realize that hey guess what.. if you want your society to continue to grow and prosper.. this 80-20 model won’t work, telling men they’re evil for being men won’t work, teaching men to act like women won’t work, and that the old rules were in place for a reason. Call it Patriarchy, call it common sense.. ignoring the majority of men for the majority of life will BLOW BACK IN YOUR FUCKING FACES and if we don’t get men making life absolutely unbearable for women via alpha pump & dumps and mgtow on marriage strikes.. women will not change the course out of the goodness of their hearts. Tucker Max is my hero. For every girl he blasted he sent a message to every beta. This girl is a whore not worth your time. Why would you love a whore like her who coughed it up for a douchebag like me? You’re going to treat her like your special loving snowflake knowing i laughed in her face, told her she’d come home with me knowing what a dick i am, not looking at her like a human or a person but a walking cum dumpster, jackhammered her cunt and blew my load all over her face and body till she looked like a fucking Krispe Kreme donut. Go ahead, wife that up.

As an aside.. does anyone remember a time when guys had to ask a girls dad for permission to go out with her? Ya neither do i. Tho i bet they knew something back then.. like women can be trusted to make poor choices if we don’t monitor their actions. Welcome to 2012.

I firmly subscribe to the Raz Al Ghul ideal as of this moment. Our society is sick in it’s decadence and it must be allowed to die. To be replaced with something that will restore a natural order to things.

No… as much as i like my friend i will not deviate from my continuing message of avoid marriage, avoid sluts, go your own way, as men choose your own path. If it’s pua pump n dump, more power to you. If it’s mgtow im there with you. Anything in between, knock yourself out. Wanna get married? Go for it. Just don’t say i didn’t warn you.

My friend asked me why i couldn’t just concentrate on myself and leave the world to figure itself out on it’s own. Because i truly don’t give a flying fuck about a society that quite frankly did not care about anything i had to offer to the world when it mattered simply because i couldn’t muster enough ability to be a trained monkey to make a girl laugh 24-7 and tingle her panties off fast enough to try and start a relationship with me in our wonderful ‘hookup’ culture.

And because i don’t want my friends daughter to grow up to write something like this or this.

If only someone had shamed me 17 years ago into taking action.. i wouldn’t be writing this blog.

Rant 1 over.

Secondly, i can’t believe how far the incel post went. It touched so many people. Just wow.

I have received so many comments and emails from it, it boggles the mind. To know so many others went through similar patches.. or still going through even worse patches.. never ending patches. I have no words. First let me say that i have read all the comments. Every last one. I have read all your emails that you have sent me. Every last one. I haven’t answered any of them, many asking me what i would do, what they should do, give them some game advice….

What i feared the most was seeing that post turn me into some kind of prophet or messiah, someone with answers.

I have none. I only have my stories for you to extrapolate from. I can give you the bare basics, tell you to improve yourself, don’t be a doormat and let anyone, much less women walk over you. And for god sakes never get married, EVEN IF YOU WANT TO. You can gladly tell women that you’d love to get married, but will not unless the law becomes equitable and no-fault divorce removed. That puts the onus on them to change the system they want us to buy into.

While i believe in game and tell guys to pick it up, i’m not Roosh. I’m not Rollo. I’m not Heartiste. I’m you. I’m still on my own journey and haven’t figured out yet what i’m doing, much less an authority on telling you what to do. I don’t want to put you on a path of pump and dump if it’s not in you, neither do i want to chastise you if you do. You need to come to terms with what you can live with (much like what is causing me to be stuck in LIMBO) and then act on it.

I have a clearer understanding of women’s nature and how they react but by no means am i suave and debonair. (Not until you get a few drinks in me and then i throw caution to the wind). My game is still evolving. Christ, i’m still trying to get over approach anxiety myself so i’m not really in a position to tell you guys anything! I’m taking tips from Danny for fuck sakes! (hehe. j/k Danny got serious game.. ask HIM for advice) I’m still trying to build up the resolve one might get when standing on the edge of a precipice with the bungee cord wrapped around your feet. At some point you have to take in a deep breath, say “FUCK IT” and jump. I still haven’t jumped. I may try Private Man’s suggestion this weekend as a starting point.

This is why i haven’t answered any of your emails. I can’t give you advise without knowing who you are.

Rant 2 over.

So now we come to my LIMBO.

It goes something like this.

I want a good decent girl and not a party skank slut.

I want to grow old with someone i care about. (still bluepill i know)

I don’t want marriage.I don’t trust marriage. I don’t want kids.

I haven’t prepared for a life of marriage or kids because of my past.

I can’t ask for or expect a good girl to sack her future for me.

I know i’ve limited my pool drastically.

I might only be able to draw from a pool of former or current sluts.

I cannot emotionally connect with a woman i don’t care about.

I cannot give a shit to pleasure a woman beyond self gratification if i do not care about her on an emotional level.

I feel it is not worth the effort to pleasure a women to multiple orgasms if i feel like just another random cock.

I do not feel like trying during sex with a woman who treats sex as just sex.

I need complete trust in a woman to be at my sexual best and give her unending orgasms.

I feel like it’s a chore and i would rather masturbate than reward a SatC slut with good sex.

I derive no pleasure from animalistic, non connected sex.

I know my blue pill life has broken me.

I can’t get what i desire and can’t live with what i can get.

I accept i may run out the clock and die alone.

I feel empty.

I have had fleeting moments of despair and dark thoughts for over a week now.

I hate limbo.

I hate what i’ve lived as a product of my feminized environment.

I hate the pain of the RedPill.

I’m waiting for something to take hold.

I’m waiting to wake up so i can be a young man again.