Why am i having such a hard time accepting this?
June 17, 2012Animalistic fucking.
I can’t wrap my head around this one. Is there something wrong with me? Am i the only one?
I guess a lifetime of beta will do things to you. Condition some things out of you. My internal caveman has gone into the ether…
The rise of the sexually aggressive woman who wants you to do nothing more than just have your way with her without a single emotion involved is an enigma to me. Love/Sensuality/Romance/Mental Connection/Emotions/Feelings .. none of it. Just pure, primal.
The rise and popularity of media like 50 Shades of Gray eludes me. The fact that women have within them the need to be dominated and/or humiliated astounds me. My brain seemingly is unable to rewire itself to enjoy such wanton, meaningless debauchery. And i had no clue how far this spread. A quick search of ‘women like rough sex‘ will quickly reveal that i am not the first to have to tackle this paradox.
The rise of generic cookie cutter porn has also seemingly spurred this phenomena on. Where the exact same scene is repeated 5 times over the course of 1.5 hours of high definition garbage, with only the ‘actors’ being replaced in each scene. HD should never have been allowed in porn. Now i get to see every intricate detail i didn’t want to see and crystal dolby digital sound of things i never wanted to hear.
I get to see in full HD 1080p:
- women speed fucking cocks like they’re trying to keep up to a 160 bpm techno tune or start a camp fire through friction
- women gagging and deep throating cocks to the point of throwing up and leaving huge snail like saliva bubble trails
- getting the hair pulled and yanked like a horse
- getting choked, pushed, pulled and smacked in the face, tits, ass or pussy
- being bent in and out of uncomfortable positions
- being thrown about
- ending up looking freakish and hideous with the new fashionable look – the running mascara look
does.not.turn.me.on.
I get to hear in Dolby Digital Surround 5.1:
- high pitched shrill screeching
- the words ‘fuck me fuck me fuck me’ about 10,000 time
- hearing the dudes use every douche cliche in the book you’re such a slut – take it bitch – you want my cock don’t you you whore – take my dick all the way down bitch – etc..
- what feels like obviously fake yells of ecstasy, like trying to convince yourself this is what you want, although it’s probably not fake, because many do end up squirting.
I can’t even watch 5 minutes of this stuff. There is no point. I will not give me an erection. If i DID have an erection, this stuff will kill it.
THIS DOES NOT TURN ME ON!
The point i’m trying to make is.. where did *I* get the idea that women weren’t like this, didn’t like this kind of treatment and that this was an abberation and NOT the norm?
I was brought up to respect women as equals. To treat them with dignity. To NEVER lay a hand on them (even if they struck me, i was taught to walk away, brute like me could hurt a poor girl they said). I was taught that women liked honest, caring, sensitive men who were in touch with their feelings. Taught that i should show empathy and compassion, not to just listen to a women but to hear her. I was taught that women would come to value nice men after they had cast off their immature teen years of ‘finding out who they are’ because we have to allow for teens and raging hormones to sort itself out on its own. But once that were to end, the girls would be mature and the only ones still dating the asshole badboys who treat them like sluts and whores to be utilized only for sex, were actually called sluts and whores. Back then those words actually carried meaning.
Never in that day and age growing up did i ever envision that this type of debaucherous, prehistoric era form of sex be the predominant form preferred by the VAST MAJORITY of women. I am NOT making this up.
One and a half years ago i got my first taste of the fact that this was not simply just a small minor deviant behavior confined to shitty cookie cutter porn.
Just before my wife and i separated she confided in me she wanted that serious, unemotional, rough, dominating animal sex. Too little too late as we were already on our way to splitsville before i got a chance to experiment. I couldn’t believe that this woman i had shared such an emotional connection with so many years prior was capable of wanting – nay – desiring to be taken like some prehistoric beast. I considered it a one off, until recently when i had a possible FWB actively showing me, performing on me and guiding me through all the violent motions of hair pulling, lip/ear biting, skin scratching, neck biting, forceful bending over, bruise worthy squeezing, choking, restraining, manic frantic flailing of limbs.
It felt so robotic, so contrived and so devoid of emotion.. like going through the motions of playing twister in fast forward. The whole time my mind was saying ‘what the fuck am i doing?‘
Why am i like this?
And then at work talking with all my female colleagues about my situation with the possible FWB, i am shocked to discover that not only are they not reviled, but the things i’m describing are making them smile, getting all hot & bothered, flustered and making comments like ‘fuck thats hawwwt’ and ‘i need to find a booty call tonight’. They were egging me on to grow a set and enjoy it and lamenting that today’s men aren’t doing the job anymore when it comes to giving them what they want. Not ONE dissenting opinion out of 5 female coworkers. I am stunned.. it’s not them… it’s me.
Why am i like this?
Who fucked me over and taught me that women only wanted romance novel style love making, hollywood movie style lovemaking.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like i’m doing hover hands on a girl when id fuck her. I have no issue with squeezing and gripping firmly or being forceful. I just don’t have a mechanism for determining what is the appropriate pleasure/pain threshold for another individual, and i always come at it from the most conservative side of the equation. And once i’ve hit my threshold and they want me to go further, it’s almost like i begin to get turned off.. wtf.. you want me to do what? harder? what if i miscalculate and it’s TOO hard? what if i throw you up against the wall and you hit your head? what if i accidentally pull some roots out? what if i draw blood on my next bite? and i still can’t believe you’re asking me to do these things! What kind of person are you to want me to virtually rape you?
I still can’t get over this, and i’m not sure i’ll ever truly be comfortable with it. Perhaps there’s too much wiring to deal with and the pathways to what arouses me will never be rewired. I can enjoy a nice physical romp, but there has to be some kind of connection and even then i still have my limits. Maybe that’s all it will ever be and ill just come to accept that.
I just wish i didn’t have to.
M3 
You need to read this post, which turned a lot of my thinking around.
http://dangerandplay.wordpress.com/2012/03/06/olivia-munn-and-girls-who-like-it-rough/
And think about reading “Nine and a half weeks” (book, not movie).
First, you shouldn’t go more than one step further than YOUR threshold of comfort. If she can’t get it off at that point, you’re not sexually compatible.
Second, I don’t do anything that causes real pain and I don’t advocate you do either. Just too easy for that to go wrong. I also wouldn’t judge female preference by porn, porn is theatrical by nature.
I don’t do any weird positions or painful things nor a lot of overwrought dirty talk. I do use the following and recommend you give them a try:
-Tying her wrist with a tie/towel/scarf and tying the other end to a nightstand or bed leg (she’s bound, but only one hand can easily get back into control if she wants)
-Biting her earlobe (and licking her ear)
-Grabbing her hair into your fist and tightening – not pulling as much as showing her you are dominating her
-Biting her nipples
-Squeezing her breasts – really hard, not just caressing, when she’s really turned on
-Smacking her ass at any time, repeatedly and make it loud. Tell her you don’t care who hears it.
-Use multisensory schemes like massaging her back with your hands while you penetrate her while you bite her nipples
-Tell her to turn over/change positions (don’t ask)
-If she gets chattery, tell her to just relax and enjoy things
-Boldly tell her you enjoy fu**ing her, and tell her to make as much noise as she wants.
I’ve found for many women, just a handful of these is enough to trip the dominance trigger – you don’t have to actually control her as much as give the impression you could. It’s like passing a shit test before it’s put out there.
A LTR of mine really dug dominance, she never asked for rough stuff but it was clear she liked me taking control. I never thought to tie her up, smack her butt HARD, pull her hair, bite her or anything like that.
Later, I came to read some tactical dominance advice like what I have above (Athol Kay was part of it). All of the women I’ve been with since have responded well.They want it.
Thanks for the tips. Some of the tips i’ve done and it i actually grew on me, like the hair twist pull, and then using it to guide her face and the earlobe suckling. But these moves are dual purpose and are close to having sensual connotation which i enjoy. And i love dirty talk but sensually, not derogatory.
What i mean to say is, the last one i was with who put me through all this stuff did it in such an unemotional, unconnected way, im not kidding when i say it felt like Twister in fast forward or Simon Says on speed. Basically how fast can you run your hands around someones body to touch every square inch while kissing like two blind folk moving to neck biting to earlobe chewing (getting a tongue shoved in my ear was so weird), rinse repeat. She called it passion, i called it sexual epilepsy.
And the whole ass smack thing still eludes me, but i won’t fight it, that appears to be universally enjoyed.
Perhaps i just ended up with one that required too much domineering and she’s an extreme outlier. I hope thats the case..
I like playful domination with an emotional connection. But i don’t think i can enjoy a primal ‘just sex’ domination fuck that turns an apartment inside out with broken furniture and bruised bodies. Don’t have it in me to get aroused by it. That’s my beta remnant i can’t shake.
Forgot to add a caveat – I don’t enjoy the dominant stuff per se, I do it because it turns her on, which in turn satisfies me. However I’m an athlete, so I dig that exhausted soreness after a good romp – the dominance helps get us there.
************
-Bite her earlobe
[…]
-Use multisensory schemes like massaging her back with your hands while you penetrate her while you bite her nipples
-Tell her to turn over/change positions (don’t ask)
************
These are the most important ones I use. Telling her what to do is golden. Just after you gave one or two orgasms in one position, she WILL do whatever you command her to. I like her to ride me reverse cowgirl, that’s a damn hot way to get yourself an orgasm. Holy shit, I get a boner when I remember that…
It’s really something, isn’t it, M3, to realize that all the lies you were told about girls wanting slow candlelit lovemaking were 100% wrong.
she wants you to f**k the shit out of her.
here are some of the things I do:
1. Start slow and work up quickly to hard thrusting, jackhammering
2. grab a handful of her hair in my hands and pull lightly
3. When from behind, put a hand on her back. When in missionary, put a hand on her shoulder. In both positions the effect is to hold her down and restrain her
4. In missionary, put a hand on the back of her neck to hold her in place
5. In missionary, put a hand at the base of her neck where it meets the torso (a simile of choking but with no grip and not around the neck)
6. Bite or use fingers to clamp down on the nipples, and use quite a bit of pressure
7. Don’t ask for anything. Tell her, direct her. Tell her to suck your c*ck. Tell her to move here, sit there.
It really is the lie part that’s the worst. Coming to learn that what you thought all your life isn’t so, and that your entire persona and arousal triggers have been conditioned around that lie.
As i’ve stated to Badger, the issue really boils down to the hardcore actions and the unemotionality of it. I have no problem being aggressive and confident, alot of the things you put on the list are things i don’t see any issue doing. It’s when it reaches a point that there is no connection and it’s a paint by numbers go through the motions frenetic fuckfest bull riding ass-smacking where it bugs me. Doesn’t turn me on.
But i think most of all, it’s learning that women deep down inside wanted to be treated like filthy whores. After a lifetime of being taught to be respectful and loving, i get to open my eyes for the first time, and they hurt. They hurt because now i know it’s ok for me to tell a woman im with to get on her fucking knees, suck me off and look me in the eye when you swallow my cum with a smile on your face you dirty little bitch. And even tho i know its secretly what i want, and apparently how they want to be treated, i still feel wrong doing it. My cross to bear for now.
[…] you want to see just how far feminism fucked me over, go reread this post here. It so drilled into my head on how to be so respectful and subservient towards women, to always […]
Your line about robotic resonated, I know when I was on a spree with girls, all I could do while the acts were going down was a hyper-conscious ‘what the fuck am I doing right now….I could be reading or gaming instead of this shit…’
Exactly the same thought ran through my head. What purpose is it serving? If it’s just to get off or do a paint by numbers routine before orgasm.. well fuck, i got much better things to do.
Like needlepoint.
Sex with someone you care about enough to share something intimate with, where you concentrate on their pleasure (and they on yours vice-versa via reciprocity) is on par with a supernova. Monkey sex for self gratification is on par with popping bubbles in bubble wrap. Of course.. that is enough to keep a few people i know entertained for hours on end…
That is a bit of a madonna/whore thing you got there, I think at least.
You dont do it in spite of having a connection but because you do and thats what she needs.
Personally, I could not do it if there was no connection, for you it seems to break it.
I cannot quite lay my finger on it, but its you M3, its you, you have things separated in your brain that do not need to be.,
Maybe you think its degrading for her, when in effect its liberating for her. She can let go.
Maybe its this robotic, mechanical thing, but thats not true, she cannot emotionally submit to a robot, she can to you.
Now I am not a part of the BDSM scene, but I sought them out to learn from them, maybe you should too.
You would be amazed at the amount of emotional maturity and trust involved,.
If you are going through the motions but do not feel it, you are only halfway there.
[…] or something determines how much we will enjoy it. That was the first lesson. The second was: I didn’t like a lot of sex that other people seem to like. For […]
I had the same issue with my first gf post divorce. I couldn’t fuck her hard enough, there was no line to cross in her. It freaked me out and yeah sometimes after she’d come a few times I couldn’t. So I’d fake it (thanks condoms!) and just wonder if I even enjoyed it. The unwiring of what I’d been told women liked vs the truth is taking longer than I expected, but I’ve found that I’ve been able to slowly reacquaint myself with my more animal side. I think balancing my animal lust and an emotional connection will make sex even better in the future.
[…] sex wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. I’ve already covered my feelings regarding rough & tumble animalistic sex in this post here.. what can i say. I’m a sensual lover, this kind of by the numbers slamming sort of turns me […]
[…] gotten to the point that assertive men like M3 feel somehow abnormal for not wanting to draw blood, that women read bondage porn out in the open […]
I have seen this on porn vids as well, and read some stories featuring it on Literotica, but I don’t quite get it. I *do* partake in light BDSM with my FwB, but some of the stuff in these videos/stories are just frickin’ odd. It seems like these women *crave actual pain*, not the good kind that gets your skin warm. Maybe it’s just me, but if my hair was getting ripped out, I’m being choked til my neck bruises, or I’m throwing up after giving oral…that’s NOT a good time.
You could say the same for the guys who do this though. I may not have the parts, but I can imagine how painful a cock cage, a spiked penis sleeve, or having 30 clothespins on your ballsac would be. Yet these men ask their Doms for *more*, even as they’re crying like little boys. Men and women who enjoy true pain scare me, honestly.
Plan on doing a post about my views on BDSM soon, so I won’t go into it here…but know that you’re not alone in your confusion, M3.
Great post M3 and much of what you writes resonates with me, both about what you were taught about women growing up and then discovering that some like it rough. I’m not sure what % like it really rough and what % like it more emotionally-connected and what % like a mix. I imagine it’s on a spectrum and that’s what my fairly-large but not huge sample-size would say. Some just come right out and say they love it rough. Others like it more intimate. Others are in the middle.
[…] I say make her pleasure your number one priority <unless your purpose is solely for instant gratification>. Personally, i love taking an active interest in taking the girl i’m with to new heights of pleasure. Seeing her delight and excite under my oral ministrations and methodical motions, witnessing her undulate by my design – enhances my own pleasure center. My biggest loads have always come from simply observing a woman revel in her sexual delight! Words cannot do justice how aroused i become seeing a woman’s sexual excitement of which i am it’s chief architect (that fall within my acceptable parameters for reasonable playful enthusiastic sex. Those who need to be choked, slapped, gagged, beaten and humiliated to enjoy it need not apply). […]
Well, there is something called erotic asphyxiation… basically, a softer, less forceful version of “sleeper hold” on both carotid arteries.
Definitely not my cup of tea, neither as a giver nor a receiver. Chronic oxygen shortage causes brain damage. Early dementia for a fleeting pleasure? Not a good deal.
@ Exfernal
“erotic asphyxiation… Definitely not my cup of tea”
Nor mine my friend, nor mine.
http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/story?id=7763422
pardon my timing on this. i know it was written in 2012, but I just came upon this unsettling “way of life” and had to find some form of ease. this helped…
“emotional bond” is the phrase I’ve been looking for. that’s what I want, but not what my girlfriend wants.
see, I, too, was raised on the idea that I was to treat women with the utmost respect and gentleness so as to have an emotional bond with each other during sex, but right off the bat– before even having any sex with her– my girlfriend immediately told me that she wants rough, nigh abusive, choking/spanking experiences! not just some try out, but every time (till she gets bored of it: my fear). now I’m not scared to give this to her (besides the fear of literally hurting her), but it won’t at all be what I’ve been looking for.
knowing her as this sweet and kind, gentle little thing, I’ve come upon what seems like a contradiction of character! it’s a little unsettling…
i mean, we’re both very young, so it further discomforts me to know that she didn’t gain these interests through innocent curiosity, but are somethings she gained out of a very promiscuous past with several older men for the last 3-4 years. she’s 19 years old and wants me doing this stuff to her already because she liked what they taught her.
these guys not only destroyed her innocence, using her for their twisted kicks (some were in fact married to other women). and now I see the apparent “proper way” as a sinkin’ memo I happened to miss on the needs of women. like you have mentioned, it’s like I’ve gotten fucked over on my life.
it’s as if I’ve wasted my time not being a player, like these guys who
pardon my timing on this. i know it was written in 2012, but I just came upon this unsettling “way of life” and had to find some form of ease. this helped…
“emotional bond” is the phrase I’ve been looking for. that’s what I want, but not what my girlfriend wants.
see, I, too, was raised on the idea that I was to treat women with the utmost respect and gentleness so as to have an emotional bond with each other during sex, but right off the bat– before even having any sex with her– my girlfriend immediately told me that she wants rough, nigh abusive, choking/spanking experiences! not just some try out, but every time (till she gets bored of it: my fear). now I’m not scared to give this to her (besides the fear of literally hurting her), but it won’t at all be what I’ve been looking for.
knowing her as this sweet and kind, gentle little thing, I’ve come upon what seems like a contradiction of character! it’s a little unsettling…
i mean, we’re both very young, so it further discomforts me to know that she didn’t gain these interests through innocent curiosity, but are somethings she gained out of a very promiscuous past with several older men for the last 3-4 years. she’s 19 years old and wants me doing this stuff to her already because she liked what they taught her.
these guys not only destroyed her innocence, using her for their twisted kicks (some were in fact married to other women). and now I see the apparent “proper way” as a sinkin’ memo I happened to miss on the needs of women. like you have mentioned, it’s like I’ve gotten fucked over on my life.
not saying it was your message, but it’s as if I’ve wasted my time not being a player who apparently give women what they want in devaluing their worth… a bit extreme of a thought, I know.
To M3 – the problem is not in you men – the problem is in SOME women – do some research about the harm of porn and you will see for yourself.