Why am i having such a hard time accepting this?June 17, 2012
I can’t wrap my head around this one. Is there something wrong with me? Am i the only one?
I guess a lifetime of beta will do things to you. Condition some things out of you. My internal caveman has gone into the ether…
The rise of the sexually aggressive woman who wants you to do nothing more than just have your way with her without a single emotion involved is an enigma to me. Love/Sensuality/Romance/Mental Connection/Emotions/Feelings .. none of it. Just pure, primal.
The rise and popularity of media like 50 Shades of Gray eludes me. The fact that women have within them the need to be dominated and/or humiliated astounds me. My brain seemingly is unable to rewire itself to enjoy such wanton, meaningless debauchery. And i had no clue how far this spread. A quick search of ‘women like rough sex‘ will quickly reveal that i am not the first to have to tackle this paradox.
The rise of generic cookie cutter porn has also seemingly spurred this phenomena on. Where the exact same scene is repeated 5 times over the course of 1.5 hours of high definition garbage, with only the ‘actors’ being replaced in each scene. HD should never have been allowed in porn. Now i get to see every intricate detail i didn’t want to see and crystal dolby digital sound of things i never wanted to hear.
I get to see in full HD 1080p:
- women speed fucking cocks like they’re trying to keep up to a 160 bpm techno tune or start a camp fire through friction
- women gagging and deep throating cocks to the point of throwing up and leaving huge snail like saliva bubble trails
- getting the hair pulled and yanked like a horse
- getting choked, pushed, pulled and smacked in the face, tits, ass or pussy
- being bent in and out of uncomfortable positions
- being thrown about
- ending up looking freakish and hideous with the new fashionable look – the running mascara look
I get to hear in Dolby Digital Surround 5.1:
- high pitched shrill screeching
- the words ‘fuck me fuck me fuck me’ about 10,000 time
- hearing the dudes use every douche cliche in the book you’re such a slut – take it bitch – you want my cock don’t you you whore – take my dick all the way down bitch – etc..
- what feels like obviously fake yells of ecstasy, like trying to convince yourself this is what you want, although it’s probably not fake, because many do end up squirting.
I can’t even watch 5 minutes of this stuff. There is no point. I will not give me an erection. If i DID have an erection, this stuff will kill it.
THIS DOES NOT TURN ME ON!
The point i’m trying to make is.. where did *I* get the idea that women weren’t like this, didn’t like this kind of treatment and that this was an abberation and NOT the norm?
I was brought up to respect women as equals. To treat them with dignity. To NEVER lay a hand on them (even if they struck me, i was taught to walk away, brute like me could hurt a poor girl they said). I was taught that women liked honest, caring, sensitive men who were in touch with their feelings. Taught that i should show empathy and compassion, not to just listen to a women but to hear her. I was taught that women would come to value nice men after they had cast off their immature teen years of ‘finding out who they are’ because we have to allow for teens and raging hormones to sort itself out on its own. But once that were to end, the girls would be mature and the only ones still dating the asshole badboys who treat them like sluts and whores to be utilized only for sex, were actually called sluts and whores. Back then those words actually carried meaning.
Never in that day and age growing up did i ever envision that this type of debaucherous, prehistoric era form of sex be the predominant form preferred by the VAST MAJORITY of women. I am NOT making this up.
One and a half years ago i got my first taste of the fact that this was not simply just a small minor deviant behavior confined to shitty cookie cutter porn.
Just before my wife and i separated she confided in me she wanted that serious, unemotional, rough, dominating animal sex. Too little too late as we were already on our way to splitsville before i got a chance to experiment. I couldn’t believe that this woman i had shared such an emotional connection with so many years prior was capable of wanting – nay – desiring to be taken like some prehistoric beast. I considered it a one off, until recently when i had a possible FWB actively showing me, performing on me and guiding me through all the violent motions of hair pulling, lip/ear biting, skin scratching, neck biting, forceful bending over, bruise worthy squeezing, choking, restraining, manic frantic flailing of limbs.
It felt so robotic, so contrived and so devoid of emotion.. like going through the motions of playing twister in fast forward. The whole time my mind was saying ‘what the fuck am i doing?‘
Why am i like this?
And then at work talking with all my female colleagues about my situation with the possible FWB, i am shocked to discover that not only are they not reviled, but the things i’m describing are making them smile, getting all hot & bothered, flustered and making comments like ‘fuck thats hawwwt’ and ‘i need to find a booty call tonight’. They were egging me on to grow a set and enjoy it and lamenting that today’s men aren’t doing the job anymore when it comes to giving them what they want. Not ONE dissenting opinion out of 5 female coworkers. I am stunned.. it’s not them… it’s me.
Why am i like this?
Who fucked me over and taught me that women only wanted romance novel style love making, hollywood movie style lovemaking.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like i’m doing hover hands on a girl when id fuck her. I have no issue with squeezing and gripping firmly or being forceful. I just don’t have a mechanism for determining what is the appropriate pleasure/pain threshold for another individual, and i always come at it from the most conservative side of the equation. And once i’ve hit my threshold and they want me to go further, it’s almost like i begin to get turned off.. wtf.. you want me to do what? harder? what if i miscalculate and it’s TOO hard? what if i throw you up against the wall and you hit your head? what if i accidentally pull some roots out? what if i draw blood on my next bite? and i still can’t believe you’re asking me to do these things! What kind of person are you to want me to virtually rape you?
I still can’t get over this, and i’m not sure i’ll ever truly be comfortable with it. Perhaps there’s too much wiring to deal with and the pathways to what arouses me will never be rewired. I can enjoy a nice physical romp, but there has to be some kind of connection and even then i still have my limits. Maybe that’s all it will ever be and ill just come to accept that.
I just wish i didn’t have to.