A Regret I Can Never Atone For

It is here in that moment that my Atheism is finally put to the test. Put on trial. I’m staring at the light, directly above the ambulance. Here and now, if there ever was a moment to have a spiritual revelation or reevaluation of religion, this was the time. I was ready to cast my nonbelief aside. I was desperate for it. I wanted to see a hint, a sign, a glimmer.. a glimpse – anything. I really wanted to be wrong in that moment. I was ready to grab onto anything, but i needed to see it. In this, my darkest hour.. i was looking for a miracle and proof that this wasn’t the end. I was looking for hope to atone.

A few hours earlier, April 10, 2008

I look up the staircase and see my bother sitting beside his computer and yell up to him “I’ll be back before 9.. we’ll get in a couple rounds of Hold’m when i get back. You know how much i love taking your funny money!”

Hrah hrah hrah, he snarked. My brother was great at Texas Holdem. I sucked. He knew it and i knew it. I was full of false bravado and not much else. He had been looking forward to this since i had been kept busy during the week working overtime for the struggling company i was working for. The 2008 economic collapse had not yet kicked in.. but i was already a victim of it’s red flags. And friends rarely dropped by to see him, tho i think it was at his request. He didn’t want people to see him as a cancer patient, he wanted people to see him when he was cured and all big bad and sexy.

With my pledge set, i took my fiance’s hand and we left for the dinner party she had booked us for.

As far as dinner parties go, this one wasn’t bad. I knew the hosts as friends, not simply acquaintances of my fiance. That being said, i’m not a fan of dinner parties at all. Call it a vestige of my introversion. I can suffer them with a smile, but i suffer nonetheless. I dull the pain with booze. Suffice it to say, i really didn’t want to be here tonight, i really wanted to be playing poker with my brother. But i had already promised my fiance that we would go do this, even tho it was brought up last minute. You know.. me being a nice guy and all, wanted to make sure i carried a good record of ‘Happy wife, happy life” into the marriage before it started.

We arrived at the destination. I finish parking my car in the school parking lot across the street from my friends place. Just before i get out of the car, my fiance brings up my brother. Specifically the very likely chance or possibility that he might end up either to sick to attend, or even die before the wedding. I simply look down at my feet and acknowledge that reality, tho it’s not something i wanted to dwell. He’d make it.

We enter the place, shoot the shit, chat it up while our host grabbed dinner. We ate. The women talked and me and my friend ended up looking over his computer. He always managed to get virus’s or issues on his laptop and me being the resident geek squad meant every dinner invite always carried the ulterior motive of tech support. A quick download of Malware Bytes later, he was on his way to recovery.

Evening was upon us and i gazed at my watch. “HOLY SHIT” i said in my head.. the time was 8:30. The highway wouldn’t be busy at this time but it was still a good 20 minutes from my mothers. My fiance was actively talking about something or other with my friends wife.

“10 minutes” i said in my head. I sat on the couch and looked at my watch again. “10 minutes and you’ll be off”.

At 8:30, my fiance was still talking up a storm. An infinite reserve of oxygen inside her somewhere allowed her to continue to drone on without stopping for breath. I simply could not find a moment to interject myself into the conversation to start the wind down process of leaving. Instead, i waved my hand trying to get her attention. She caught it and said:

“Ya ya. We’ll leave soon. Relax”

Before i can get a word in, she turns and starts talking again. At the same time my friend turns to me and says “Let me get you another beer”.

..

..

I accept the beer and me and him chat about something that holds absolutely nothing of import, while i constantly gaze at my watch.

8:35pm

8:39 pm

8:42pm

8:50pm

8:58pm

I pound back the remainder of my beer. She’s still talking and rambling on.

I stand up and… stretch my arms. I begin to pace. I walk over to my fiance and stare down at her. She looks up to me.

“5 more minutes and we’ll go ok hon?”

..

..

“NO, WE’RE GOING NOW BECAUSE I TOLD MY BROTHER WE”D BE HOME BY 9!” – i yelled in my head. I meekly went over into the kitchen and went to the fridge to get some water. I remember resting my head against the coldness of the fridge door, simply listening to the 3 of them talking in the living room. Their voices echoing through the hallway into the kitchen, and a rage building inside me. For the first time i think i truly started to hate myself, who i was. The voices of these people talking about banal things rang in my head, their being oblivious to it making it all the more intolerable.

I didn’t have any power here.. but then my programming kicked in.

Happy wife, happy life.

The next hour and change were a blur. I think part of me broke, i was defeated. Every minute that ticked by was another nail in the coffin of Poker night. My night changed from guestimating how much time i still had left to get in a few games of poker to  how many minutes before i could write the night off. That number eventually arrived.

Not long after that, she finally stopped talking and decided we could go. It was around 10:30pm. The drive home we chatted in the car, but i was an empty shell just responding to stimuli. Deep inside i was angry at myself that i let it get that far, last that long. I wasn’t angry at her, i was angry at myself for not doing anything. I just didn’t want to ruin my fiances night, because i’m a nice guy and not a controlling misogynist dick bag.

And there would always be tomorrow.

It was 11 pm when i stepped through the door of my moms. As i took my shoes off i looked up the staircase and saw my brother. My mom was wheeling him into the next room on his wheelchair, to get him ready for bed. I said:

“I’m sorry we got home late. We’ll play first thing when i get home from work tomorrow, i promise!”

He smirked, nodded and waved as he always did.

My fiance and i went downstairs to the basement bedroom. We were staying over at my moms so often because even tho i had a place, i had a roomate at the time as well. Plus my fiance was unemployed at the time so where she could help my mother out by taking my brother to the doctors/hospital/radiology appointments, it simply made sense. We got settled in and started watching some TV. My earlier anger had subsided. What was done was done. She’s your soon to be wife, her desires are paramount. Don’t be a dick.

We talked for a bit, which led to some foreplay. I started to get on top of her and was just about to enter her.

Fate had other plans.

12:15am April 11, 2008

I was frozen in place by the most blood curdling scream i had ever heard in my life. Of all the horror movie screams i had ever heard, this was all of them combined and then something beyond that. I remember running up the stairs with my heart pounding furiously all the while thinking “get your underwear up stupid”. What a strange thought that i might be worried about decency when faced with unknown perhaps mortal danger.

Or perhaps i already knew there was no danger to me at all.

I burst into my brothers bedroom to see him sitting up in his bed as staring up into the ceiling. His pupils were visible, but i later learned that my mom who had been watching him sleep saw him sit up frighteningly quickly and unnaturally with his eyes rolled into the back of his head. By the time of my arrival he was conscious but his breathing was heavy and erratic.

I knew tonight was going to be different. It didn’t feel like all the other times. It didn’t feel like the week earlier when he got a fever for no reason and his body climbed up 4 degrees in a matter of minutes. Even tho we ended up at the hospital that night, i didn’t feel dread.

Tonight i felt dread.

Tonight i felt this can’t be happening, it just can’t.

I ran down to the kitchen and grabbed the phone and dialed 911. I stayed on the phone with the operator giving her all the details, listening, giving my distressed brother as much comfort as i could by telling him it was going to be ok. My words appeared to shift as time went on from hang on and you’re going to make it to it’s ok and you will be alright. Subconsciously i think my mind was trying to give him licence to go, one my conscious logical mind and heart wouldn’t let me accept.

The paramedics arrived and began asking about medications, administering oxygen, treating it as routine. They were even rude with my brother for a bit, as if he was feigning it. I raged out on one of them implying he was blind if he couldn’t tell something serious was going on. A few minutes later the second paramedic said something that i would not understand the full gravity of until later on, when he said “You are aware of the situation aren’t you?” It would appear others had access to information i did not.

As they wrapped him up in a blanket and strapped him into a chair so they could lift him out to the driveway, we could see he was drifting out of consciousness and breathing labored. My fiance in one final loving gesture of hope lightly tapped his shoulder with a fist while holding back tears saying “Hang in there tiger, we’re right here with you.”

As they set him on the driveway and transferred him into a wheelchair, the firemen who had arrived first where starting to collect their gear. Being the great nice guy that i was, i offered to check upstairs to see if any of their equipment was left behind. A quick run up and scan of the room led me to conclude nothing was left behind. It was also just enough time for fate to arrive.

When i got back outside i noticed the wheelchair my brother had been sitting in was empty. As i stood on that porch looking up over the driveway, i took in the darkness of the night, the wind, and the sting of a very light drop hitting me in the eye. Followed by another. A mist so fine you couldn’t call it rain, but enough that you could feel each particles bite as it landed. It was also utterly silent except for the rustle of the leafs in the wind. I looked over at the ambulance at the end of the driveway… what was i seeing?

I walked down the steps of the porch never taking my eyes off the ambulance. Was it a figment? No.. i am seeing this. I turn to my family, huddled on the driveway, they’re all talking, crying, emoting.. but oblivious to what i’m seeing. I turn back to the ambulance and step closer. It’s not my eyes playing tricks on me. I really do see it. And i know my life as i knew it is never coming back.

I see the ambulance under the lamppost, gently rocking and swaying.

My logical brain paints the picture. But i have to be sure.

As i creep towards the back of the ambulance, a firefighter notices me approach and attempts to call me away from that area. I force myself to look through the back door windows. There i see the paramedics administering oxygen and chest compression’s on the body of my brother.

The feeling of going in for an exam you know you’re not prepared for and will likely fail. The feeling of you just realizing you left your credit card on the bar counter. The feeling of knowing someone hacked into your email or bank account. The feeling of being rejected by a pretty girl. The feeling of being told “I love you but i’m not in love with you” by the person you pledged your life to. That feeling in the pit of your stomach when you know you done bad or fucked up and will get caught soon.

Times infinity.

I barely find the strength to not keel over onto my knees, but i do lurch and hunch over. My finace sees this and runs over as the firefighter gently guides me away from the back. I turn to the firefighter and ask ‘There’s no hope is there’. He remains silent. My fiance asks me why i hunched over. I whisper into her ear that my brother is dead. With that she starts gripping me and desperately failing to hold back the tears.  I tell her i have to go tell my mom. She nods and lets me go.

As i walk towards my mom, i turn my head back to the ambulance, seeing it still rocking. God damn, they haven’t given up, i’ll give them credit. Tho with my brothers brittle bones due to the disease, they probably destroyed his insides and i’m pretty sure he wouldn’t want to come back at that point. As the ambulance still sways, i look up to the lamp that bathes the ambulance in it’s yellow glow. I see millions of tiny particles, water droplets so small they act like snowflakes dancing around the light.

It is here in that moment that my Atheism is finally put to the test. Put on trial. I’m staring at the light, directly above the ambulance. Here and now, if there ever was a moment to have a spiritual revelation or reevaluation of religion, this was the time. I was ready to cast my nonbelief aside. I was desperate for it. I wanted to see a hint, a sign, a glimmer.. a glimpse – anything. I really wanted to be wrong in that moment. I was ready to grab onto anything, but i needed to see it. In this, my darkest hour.. i was looking for a miracle and proof that this wasn’t the end. I was looking for hope to atone.

If ever there was a moment to actually see a soul, it was there, in that misty drizzly light reflecting off each water drop.

It never arrived. The rain just danced in random patterns around the light.

I walked towards my mother. What am i going to tell her? How am i going to tell her?

I simply walked up to her, hugged her and told her “It’s over. No more pain.” And with that, for the second time in less than an hour i heard a noise i can never un-burn from my mind. The low guttural drawn out cry of a mother who lived her whole life to her two children, having one half of her life ripped away.

The ambulance left, lights flashing but no sirens.. confirming what i already knew. It’s not an emergency at this point, it’s procedural. The next few hours are a blur. As i drove my fiance and my parents to the hospital, a part of my brain playing the mind game of imagining that we might get to the hospital and they’ve resuscitated him, and it was all just a horrible reaction or side effect to a drug. I remember the parking lot time stamp on the ticket was 1:12am. I remember thinking that paying for parking to see the dead was an insult to injury. I remember hearing the doctor tell the attendant to take us to the ‘Quiet Room’.. which wiped away any such thoughts of seeing my brother resuscitated. I remember raging over the cross hanging over the room and berating my parents for believing in such a God who would deliver them so much injustice and cruelty. I remember seeing the paramedics after we left the quiet room, the rude one apologizing. I didn’t know if it was sincere because my brother actually died on him, or if he was afraid of legal action.. or both. I remember the other paramadic telling me that my brothers info listed him as terminal, which was fucking news to me. I remember the viewing room felt like something from CSI, adorned with a weird blue light strip on the walls. I remember the oxygen tube still in his mouth. His eyes almost closed but slightly open, unmoving. I remember the stillness. I remember his head was cold, and thinking what a thick hard skull he had.. which i only thought of probably because it was cold unlike mine.

I remember telling myself i don’t know what i’m supposed to do now.

When i fell asleep i can’t recall. I didn’t cry, i actually tried to.. but nothing happened. I thought i was taking it well.

4 days later at the funeral i couldn’t stop crying, knowing as his casket pulled away i would never ever see or experience the absolutely unique and awe inspiring individual he was. His life ended. My life transformed, yet diminished.

I would never hear his snarky voice, his heavy boots bellowing in the hallway, his country music blaring from that shitbox Saturn.. and most of all, i’d never get to play that game of poker i promised to him that i would.

A man unable to uphold his word.

A pain infinitely more debilitating than 12 years of Incel.

It is here at the end of this story the true gravity of my crime is shed light upon.

++

A man, a true man.. his word is his bond. He finds a way to keep it. He doesn’t abscond and he doesn’t find excuses. Those with honor keep their word, those without do not.

I gave a promise to my brother that was easy to keep. It wasn’t like i got caught in a hurricane, or a 42 car pile up, or an earthquake. Even the car battery dying would be reasonable. No, i couldn’t hold a promise, because i was a beta loser who followed his dutiful programming to the letter as was socially prescribed to me. A lifetime of feminized influence had all but literally cut my balls off and fed it to the dogs. I acted in the only manner i knew how.

I will pay for that till the end of my days. I will die knowing i had a chance to create one more amazing memory, i will die knowing i could have been the instrument of one final moment of joy in his soon to end existence.

I will die unable to atone for my sin of Beta. Having digested the Redpill fully, i know that if i knew than what i knew now i would not:

 

• accept ‘we’ll leave soon’ when it will break a deadline
• accept a drink that will keep you tied down beyond that deadline simply to not offend a host
• to sit around stewing at the end of the couch silently, staring at your watch every ten minutes silently screaming in your head ‘FUCK when is she going to shut up so i can ask if we can go now’ because to interrupt a running conversation is rude
• to continue accepting ‘soon, 5 more minutes, relax’ as the honest truth
• to continue placating your S.O. because to do otherwise means you’re an intolerant, woman controlling brute who’s showing his true oppressive misogynistic colors
• believe in simping and not being assertive, because your soon to be wife’s needs outweigh your own. Happy Wife Happy Life right?

Had i had redpill in me and been self actualized to my full potential as i am today, i would not be haunted by the memory of letting my brother down. I would not have even asked or looked towards my fiance in any manner looking for her approval of my actions. I would have simply stood up, looked to her and and said “Time to go” followed by something along the lines of “Well, look at the time, im sorry to have to cut this short but i made a promise to my brother that i intend to keep. Thank you for the delicious food and lovely company.” towards our hosts. This would be followed by getting my coat on and the threat of her arranging alternate transport if she would test my resolve.

That would be the Alpha thing to do.

Something i clearly was not.

It is NEVER wrong to assert yourself in a manner that may displease your girl, so long as the cause is just, and holds a masculine value – such as holding true to your word and upholding a promise. ESPECIALLY to blood kin.

Because of my beta, because i was too weak to uphold my masculinity, because i was trying to uphold all the ideals of feminism to not be a dismissive/controlling/oppressive male pig, because i was following the Tim the tool man Taylor approach of deference and reverence to the wife, because i believed i HAD TO put my wife before me AT ALL TIMES...

.. instead of carrying a wonderful memory of the last night of my brothers life, sharing his joy and passion one final time and giving him the best possible send off from this world..

.. i am forever tormented knowing i discarded all that for a fucking dinner party that i would probably never have remembered if not for it’s proximity to the most pivotol moment of my life.

I do not blame my ex-wife for this, she actually cared for my brother during his illness. It wasn’t her who forced me to act this way.. hell, she didn’t want a simp with no backbone, ergo the reason she left me. The system let me down. A feminized, feminist system taught me all the wrong lessons of how i should defer and be submissive to women. I was a mangina, who just happened to ape enough accidental alpha cred to win her heart. Ultimately she wanted a man who could put her in her place. Too bad feminism taught me to treat her equally and give her views, opinions, desires and actions equal credence and deference even in situations that didn’t warrant it. Too bad she didn’t want an equalist.. she wanted a man.

In a way I view the redpill to the blue masses as atheism to theism. Sam Harris talks very much about the concept of free will and if we actually have any. He talks about the fact that most people don’t get a choice, their religion, their politics, their understanding of the universe.. or even whether they grow up alpha or beta. It depends entirely on where on earth you were lucky enough to have been born to and to what parents. You believe in Jesus without reservation if you’re born in the bible belt and everyone else is wrong and going to hell. Well that’s exactly what the Moslem born in Saudi Arabia believes about you Jesus guy. I’m sure if you were born somewhere else, you would not believe what you believe right now. Products of the environment we are. That’s why the redpill isn’t innate, but needs to be learned.

I state this because i will inevitably get a range of responses to this post from ‘What a loser, he should have figured it out long ago, no excuse for being that beta for that long’… or ‘Dude, you were such a pussy. Real men wouldn’t put up with that shit’. Even women will chime in and say either ‘Ya, totally unattractive behavior. I need a real man, not a yes man’. Of course all this goes counter to what feminists say when they state that it’s wrong for men to be assertive, dominant, making decisions without taking the woman’s feelings into account, typical patriarchal, controlling, domineering, abusive behavior for making a decision without her approval or consideration.

I was a grade A feminist, and it fucking broke me.

Do you think I would have wished to grow up beta and endure my 12 years of incel with joy? No, but I had a weak, non existent father, and a mother who did most of the raising due to circumstances beyond her control. She did the best she could, but she raised me in a feminine way. I cannot fault her but I cannot mistake the fact it was the single biggest contribution to my plight, that and an education system rigged against me. Hell, even cartoons back then were teaching me that women were kicking ass and that men should shut up and let them have their turn, because privilege. And this was and still is the world many men go through, with absent/beta fathers or feminists/single moms.

Who in their right mind grows up saying “I want to let everybody.. but especially women walk all the fuck up and down over me!!!”.. nobody. Yet all you need is a lifetime of conflicting, confusing messages from women about what they want, authoritative women declaring you to treat all women in a certain way, zero masculine authority in your presence to guide you, and a societal message constantly hammering it into you that you.. you little fucking boy, it’s because of people like you, people with dicks, that make the world a shitty place, us with vagina’s will correct all the ill’s, just sit down, shut up and defer to us!

Some are just more susceptible to indoctrination than others.

Natural Alphas never complain about the problems because they had the fortune of being born in the first world of the SMP sweepstakes and were given all the tools/talent/environment from birth. They can’t see the handicap because it was never part of their world. Everything always goes their way, so there’s nothing to complain about. Same goes for most women being unable to comprehend the male experience. They just want you to get it and don’t care what influences you were under growing up.

When it comes to actual attraction and navigation of relationships.. women don’t actually care for the Frankenstein type men that feminism helps to create. I was one if those men, I was created, by my environment to behave the way I did, on that night. To not be controlling, to take her opinion into consideration, to defer to my fiances judgement instead of imposing mine.

And it cost more than can be quantified.

I can never make up for this mistake. No one out there can assuage it, retcon it, or absolve me of it. It’s my burden to bear for all my remaining days till I turn to dust myself.

Learn game.

Don’t become a slave to the feminine imperatives fate, become a master of your own destiny. Live your life without fear of making decisions for your interests.

No regrets.

..

If my Incel post was the defining post of my blog, this was meant to be the send off. The swan song. You might have noticed, i’m not blogging much, as in not at all. Truth is i burnt out, i have over 250 drafts that i could never finalize, always thinking of new things to add and spending way too much time during the day thinking of new things to write about and trying to remember them before they left my mind like the after image of a vivid dream. You remember everything right after waking up, but you can’t remember most of it by the time you get to work.

This was meant to be the one post i could leave off on if i wrote nothing else ever again. If this post even changes one persons attitude from simping chump to assertive do things the masculine way kind of living.. perhaps it will count for something.

I will probably return when the mood strikes. The day i totally retire is the day you see a big ‘Goodbye and Thank You’ post. Unless i get hit by a bus.

..

Dedicated to my brother, whom  if not for him i would probably never bothered to watch LorR. This song always gets me.

Christopher aka The HeartBreak Kid
Apr.11.2008