I’m Not Dead

March 15, 2013
What it felt like around here for a while.

What it felt like around here for a while.

I will apologize for the lack of posting. I was amused by the comments of aloofness attributed to it. Sadly no.

This was entirely and purely me dealing with my mental health by myself. I don’t do therapists (unless they’re cute) and i don’t do drugs. No Zoloft for me fuck you very much. But i recognized within me when suicidal thoughts just start popping up in your head that it’s time to back away and deal with them first and foremost.

I will be back, i’m not shuttering the blog, and worst case scenario, the blog will always be up for the collective wisdom of the ages to accumulate.

On top of all that, my workload and responsibilities at work have increased, meaning that i have little if any time to do anything to the blog during that time, and with more focus on workouts and pet projects, i find myself with less time in front of the computer as well. Lastly, while i was in my funk, it would have been hypocritical for me to write anything to preach to you guys that i wasn’t able to practice myself.

I’ll be back to more regular posts, i promise. I’m just not sure exactly when. As i said, my first project is a video project for the blog with the new gear i bought to snap me out of my doldrums and put me on a productive path. I hope you all will enjoy it when i get it up.

In the meantime, stay frosty and thanks for all the written comments and supportive messages. They were appreciated. And a big high five to Anna who kept checking in to make sure i wasn’t planning any swan dives. Too cute πŸ™‚



ps-and to that fuckwad shitface asshole cheeseeating surrendermonkey hateful imbecil person who emailed me regarding my incel post.. username ‘jim’.. don’t think i haven’t forgotten you. i’m going to be directly responding to you in that video like a tree-ent giving a curb stomp a troll like you deserves! πŸ™‚


  1. Depression is actually a pretty straight forward process. Stress causes an increase in adrenaline. Adrenaline eats up serotonin. Serotonin is what makes it possible for you to feel happy.

    Enough stress for a long enough period of time starts to leave you with insufficient serotonin to feel anything other than sad/angry or nothing.

    Went through a really bad bout of depression years ago from being trapped in a job I hated. Got through that, and learned from both personal experience and from my doctor that, for most people, depression and/or suicidal thoughts are just an indicator that you’ve let the stress in your life get out of control.

    On the plus side, once you get that bad once, and understand how you got there, your willingness to cut people and things that get you stressed right out of your life without a second thought increases drastically.

  2. *High five right back*

    There you are! πŸ˜€
    Good to know you are doing better, or at least enough to let everyone else know you’re not a zombie.

    Can’t wait to see your epic response to “jim”!

  3. That’s some pretty dodgy neurochemistry right there, Brian.

    M3, I told you that ping-pong party was a bad idea.

    Done fucked your self right up.

  4. Glad to read you’re taking care of yourself! Stay healthy!

  5. http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=1nxNO-dQBFw

  6. I fought depression for years. It only gets worse. I moved to Vegas and laid around in the warm sun and took long walks. Now I live in Florida where it is sunshine every day. Life is TOO SHORT to stay in a bad situation. My depression was all due to my job, finances, stress. It was situational, and I finally got the balls to change my situation and that cured most of my problems. Don’t neglect your mental health. If changing situation doesn’t help, then seek professional help. A buddy who had been in therapy for years once told me: “If you break a leg and don’t seek medical attention, people will think that you are crazy. It’s the same when you are having mental or psychological problems.”

    Depression feeds on itself and gets worse over time. DO SOMETHING and if that doesn’t work, DO SOMETHING ELSE. Hang in there buddy!

  7. glad to hear that you’re putting yourself first – keep it up.

    We’ll be around when you feel in the mood

  8. Now you’ve got me all curious about Jim’s stupidity.

  9. I didn’t know you were that stressed. I hope you can solve the problem, and be happy πŸ˜‰

  10. That was the laymans explanation I got from my doctor when I was at the worst of my depression. Understanding that it was a perfectly normal reaction to very abnormal levels of stress actually helped a great deal with getting my life on track.

    I went from “what is wrong with me” to “oh, manage the stress and I’ll get better”…and I did. Later in life, I had some huge llegal issues looming over me that stood a good chance of destroying my life as I knew it. Understanding that relationship between stress and depression played a big role in getting me through that without falling apart.

  11. Take care of yourself, M3.

  12. Depression is f*ing sneaky. It can come back, and it has to become pretty bad before you realize you’re back in it. Understanding that it’s a curable (or at least manageable) illness, and therefore temporary, is the most important step in not letting it kill you.

    You’re miles ahead of most people.

  13. Good to hear from you again M3. Best of luck to you, and I hope to see you blogging again soon. Take care.

  14. Depression seems to prosper this time of the year: late winter.
    Unlike a broken leg doctors can’t fix your mind when you’re depressed. Unless you believe drugs permanently fix everything what’s wrong with a depressive person. Which I don’t.
    Going through a depression is like nursing a cold. You’ve got to heal yourself. Only your body can help you.

  15. “On the plus side, once you get that bad once, and understand how you got there, your willingness to cut people and things that get you stressed right out of your life without a second thought increases drastically” all this exactly dude epic.

    2 years i spent wallowing in a horrible depression after a break up what i did discover was that “repition compulsion” from a BPD mother led me to seeking out controlling and manipulative woman. I won the battle. you will to. Keep Lifting the heavy shit

  16. Every time I get really depressed, I go to the grocery store and grab a bunch of fresh produce – parsley, kale, bean sprouts, spinach, broccoli, aka, all the good stuff – and stir fry it in sesame oil and eat that exclusively. Every time I do this, within 24-36 hours I am happy again. Not just OK, but happy, with a very positive outlook. Every time. Without fail.

    I’ve tried supplements and herbs, and nothing works as well as this, except perhaps intense outdoor exercise. So, it stands to reason, the minimal effort required to implement this protocol – and the requisite time and effort is indeed minimal – is the only thing standing between a depressed M3 and a upbeat and vibrant M3.

    “Unless you change course, you’re likely to end up where you are headed”..

  17. Have a speesy recovery M3!
    Depression comes and goes once you’ve had a bad case of it.I should know. I used to think I was immune, too tough for depressions but one fateful night my mind went snap after a bad breakup, a redundancy and far too many bottles of bourbon. I drove to the ER wing of the hospital with a dreadful panic attack, begging for a fix, a chat, anything.
    I recovered that time but went on to have other bouts of depression over the years. Docs can fix a broken leg but there’s no straightforward way to fix a broken mind. Drugs won’t fix it unless you want to tame your innr demons. It takes discipline and willpower.
    You just have to learn to live with the gloom and the doom and learn to make the most of it.
    I find the most difficult time of the year is the end of the winter and the bloody spring as it blooms.

  18. Sad to hear this. I’m glad you’re taking care of yourself though, too few people do that. I wish you the best of luck and hope you recover quickly.

  19. Just never delete your blog. I don’t care how long you stop posting, just don’t delete it.

    imho, the incel post needs to become something all people in the developed world read in some form.

  20. Take care of yourself. πŸ™‚

  21. thanks for checking in bro. best regards to you for your increased work as well as for your brain.

  22. your one of the sanest voices in the manosphere…

    I hope you get through this healthier and stronger…

  23. It’s alright lad, you’ve got lots of information for the ages on here, sort yourself out, had an issue myself a month back, luckily my red pill friends helped me out of it. You’ll be twice as strong on your inevitable return.

  24. I’ve dealt with the black dog for most of college. St. Johns Wort (a vitamin you can find at your local drug store) helped me out a lot back then. It has none of the side effects that those good awful prescription drugs have. Hang in there man. Your blog is doing a lot of a lot of men out there, including me.

  25. Illegitimi non carborundum

  26. you know, you could have called me dude. jus’ sayin.

  27. Keep it real man. Deal with your own issues first, then come back stronger.

  28. Glad to hear from you! Love the Ent weapon. πŸ™‚

    Remember, a happy life is a collection of happy moments. It’s about the journey, because we all eventually end up in the same place.
    Appreciate those happy moments when they come around and try not to sweat the small stuff. ((hugs))

  29. Hang in there! Take care of yourself, you’re too precious for us to lose.

    We miss you! HUGS!

  30. ” But i recognized within me when suicidal thoughts just start popping up in your head that it’s time to back away and deal with them first and foremost.”

    What do you attribute your suicidal thoughts to? I ask because I’ve been wondering how common it is in the human population. I’d like to trace some general patterns across the globe, if that is at all possible.

  31. 😦 so sorry to hear about your distress. I have seriously been there, been.. zoloft (which sucks and made me feel worse, horrible drug), therapists, group therapy, meditation … actually what has worked best: acupunture. I know,people don’t believe it but it hasn’t been around for thousands of years because it doesn’t work.

    I wish you the best. I ironically just saw this post as I sit at my desk in my office. Firday at 5:05pm, there is one person left besides me. I cried. I thought “I don’t want to live”. ” What is this life?”, “what purpose is in it?”. But I do not want to die.

    DO NOT WANT TO DIE! Please ?

    I admit, I often think I do not want to be alive, but it’s more of a sleeping beauty sadness. Like, I don’t want to be feeling this pain that sometimes lasts so long I forget what joy even feels like. BUt i do not want to die, bc eventually I will wake up, and something amazing will happen and you CANNOT MISS THAT! Michael. You cannot miss that. okay? Ill be in Toronto in June-sh maybe July. My team at work is based out there and I will we training there. … maybe we have coffee? no cream, no sugar, no zoloft.

  32. I went through a very bad depression last year. The kind where everything feels hopeless, and that I am trapped in time, and that life is something that happens to other people, and that I can only watch them, as if through a window. It was pure hell, and every single day was an agony. It was all I could do to merely get through the day. I seriously contemplated suicide, but I didn’t want to hurt my mother.

    Those who haven’t been through this simply cannot understand it. They cannot understand the depth and the pervasiveness of the despair, or how all the color is drained out of life.

    I began seeing a counselor, and attended two weekly support groups. Then, at my counselor’s insistence, I got a prescription for antidepressants. I did not want to take the drugs, but it was the best thing I ever did.

    It took only one week for the drug to kick in, and I remember that night vividly. Over the course of a few hours, I could sense color creeping back into my black and white world, and the awful oppression lift. The drug did not make me feel happy, it made me feel more normal. It didn’t fix the problems that led to my depression, but it made facing them a realistic proposition. Indeed, I am still working on my issues, but I don’t believe that doing so while being severely depressed would profit me.

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