Ladies.. Welcome to M3’s Used Car EmporiumFebruary 5, 2013
Com’on down and let’s get your fine rear into a great vehicle today m’lady!
Don’t worry about any nasty car salesman tactics…
You can trust a face like this…
I see you’re a little nervous miss. First time buying a car? Yeah, it can be exciting. I hear ya. You’re tired of renting and leasing vehicles, you want to own one for the long haul. A great dependable vehicle that will get you from A to B! One that’s reliable and won’t break down on you half way through your journey!
Well, i’m here to help.
So let’s start shall we! Follow me this way to the lot.
Ok, take a look at these two fine beauties!
Look at these two fine racers. Real byewt’s ain’t they? They’re both $42,500 dollars. A real steal!
What do you mean you want to look at the odometer? Those numbers don’t mean anything. You don’t need to see those.. wha? No, that’s not oil dripping down from the car.. that’s, umm.. oil bubbling up from under the ground. We’re on an oil field. It happens. Service history.. ummm. Err, wait a minute… just look at these cars.. they’re beautiful! You’re not going to worry about something as minor as what the previous owner did with this car are you? Or how many previous owners… that’s not important. What’s important is that either of these cars are fabulous and worth falling in love with. So just pick one and we can sign the paperwork right no….
Ok.. i’m hear’n ya. You don’t want a Vette. A’right.
Now we’re talking. You want a pure stallion, a thoroughbred. A racing steed! I knew that the second you walked in. I got two in stock for ya.
Both go for $39,998 but i’ll lower it to $35,000 flat if you take one today. Uh, no i can’t really let you look into the service books there missy. Ummm, yeah, that’s a typo. I don’t know what “salvage” means… are you sure? Well i’ll be damned.. one of them was written off as a “wrecked”. But jeez louise don’t they both look outstanding. Someone must’a done a gosh darned fine job putt’n the scrapped one back together. I mean LOOK AT’M! Identical. So.. you’re not gonna let a little insecurity about a word stop you from making a steal of a purchase today are ya? I mean it’s been rebuilt to the same build as the new one… wha? You want a deep discount on it? Why? I don’t plum understand why you think just because the car dang got rolled that it’s not as good as brand new.. *sigh*.. a’ight.. you’re a tough sell. Let’s try something more with an import flavour.
Ok.. i guess by now you’re getting the point.
It’s why we read Car & Driver. It’s why we watch Motoring 2013. It’s why we love to watch Jeremy Clarkson on Top Gear. It’s because we want to know about trends, durability, reliability and what to look for statistically to avoid getting saddled with a lemon. It’s why we avoided KIA’s for the longest time until they got their act together. It’s why i always avoided FORD until they built the 2012 Focus line based off the global platform and not the Found On Road Dead North American platform.
The way **you** treat buying a car (or how you should) with caution is the same process we use when looking for someone to call wife or someone we ‘settle down’ with. If we’re going pay the high price of removing ourself from the mating landscape – especially IF we have options to play out, we want to make sure we’re getting good value for the money over the long haul of our investment.
AND WE DO OUR RESEARCH!
(or at least Alpha’s do. But that’s why we’re here.. to teach everyone else down the pipe not to simply accept a lemon as the best you can do!)
Yes, i have done something today that many will find obnoxious and downright offensive. Ask me if i have but one fuck to give and i shall tell you.
I have compared your sexuality to that of a used vehicle. And every smart buyer knows to purchase a Used Vehicle Package prior to putting down his hard earned cash on a personal conveyance they wish to own for the life of the vehicle. And past ownership matters. Let’s break it down using everyone’s favourite and dependable car: The Honda Civic.
This car is fresh off the assembly line. It’s interior has that beloved new car smell and still retains the plastic covering the seats and warning tags. The odometer reads 34 km. The distance from factory to loading dock to dealership. It hasn’t been broken in yet and requires delicate driving for the first few hundred kilometres to break the engine in. It’s never been over-revved and fully lubricated. No speck of rust, just pure glistening sheet metal and glossy reflective finish. It’s engine chambers are silky smooth with zero wear, and she turns over without any hesitation. She comes with a leading in-class 10 year warranty, full dealership service and free towing service where unforeseen trouble might arise to get you back on the road to continue your journey unimpeded. You know this car has a low manufactures defect rate, high resale value, great on gas and is low maintenance. This is the most reliable car available when properly maintained.
This car is worth the full dealership price. Worthy of:
Long-Term Financing / Short-Term Leasing / 3 Day Rental
This car is used. It’s only had 2 prior owners. Your used vehicle package shows this to be accurate. The odometer reads 63,576 km. While it may seem like a lot, it’s a fairly good number for a vehicle of this age. You check the service books and see that both previous owners took very good care of the car and treated it with class and dignity. Regular oil changes, prescribed services done at the recommended intervals. The interior is clean and sparkles with a fresh detailing. It may not have it’s new car smell, but it certainly looks and feels rich and luxurious. No hints of nicks or scratches on the dash or console. The air freshener on the mirror works nicely. The original warranty is nearly expired, but because the car has been properly maintained, the dealer explains he can add on an extended warranty to cover the bare basics after the original one expires. Tow service is available, but must be paid for as an extra. The engine purrs like a kitten with little or no hesitation, and it’s barely lost any of it’s horses since it rolled off the assembly line. Some minor rust is starting to show on the undercarriage and exhaust but the paint is holding well and still shines. The swirl marks in the clear coat are not noticeable until viewed up close. The build quality of this car has held up.
This car is worth the full book value price. Worthy of:
Long-Term Financing / Short-Term Leasing / 3 Day Rental
This car has been ravaged. It’s had 25 previous owners. The used vehicle package is 18 pages long and can’t keep up. Warranty? Pffft. HA. Nice try. It’s gone. The odometer reads 747,937 km. This car has been driven into the ground. This car has seen big city stop and go driving, it’s seen cross country driving, it’s been in drag races, drift competitions and red-lined on so many occasions. It’s had after market parts attached and taken off, it’s so full of holes. It’s body panels are loose, it’s kit skirt package has been stripped off. The service manual was lost, there are no clear maintenance records, no determination whether any maintenance was done at all but a quick look tells you the obvious. The oil filter, fuel injectors and air filters are clogged past their usefulness. Leaks abound under the car, as does an enormous amount of rust and a broken exhaust manifold. The catalytic converter is shot and the tailpipe belches out thick black smoke certain to fail any emissions test. The tires have been balded away and the alignment is off. The gasket is leaking, the piston chamber has been scuffed and scored with metal etchings from dirty oil, the piston rings are shot and the engine has almost zero compression. Most of the horses have left the stable leaving the car severely under-powered and unable to overtake or climb uphill well. The car smells of noxious fumes, cheap cigars, stripper body cream and the remnants of past DNA excretions. The leather seating is ripped and torn, the dash has all sorts of dents, scrapes and cuts, the centre console looks like a war broke out between cigarettes and coffee and cigarettes won. The fabric on the ceiling is sagging, the power options fail to work, the A/C blows hot air and the sunroof lets water into the car when it rains. There is mold growing in the car. There is so much rust, this car may snap in half if it hits a pothole at high speed. This is a beater. A summer car. The car you buy for the scrap yard price to get you through a short spell until you’ve saved up enough for the car you always wanted!
This car is worth below market value. Worthy of:
Long-Term Financing/ Short-Term Leasing/ 3 Day Rental
Now for the fun part. You have no clue which of those three cars is A, B or C. You simply have to go by what you see right now from the outside of the vehicle. You are not allowed to step inside the car. You are not allowed to go under the car. You are not allowed to pop the hood. You are not allowed to check the odometer. You are not allowed to peer through the windows. You are not allowed to kick the tires. You are not allowed to let your mechanic have a look at it. And you must choose NOW!
Are you willing to pay FULL PRICE for one of those cars that are statistically shown to breakdown, be unreliable and fail to get from point A to point B on a gamble?
So why would you expect any man to take a gamble on.. how should i say this.. delicate sensibilities here.. i’ll just use Dalrock’s words here:
Some might find it horribly objectionable to feel like your sexuality is ‘owned’ by another like a material possession like a car.
Like it or not, when we’re with you, we own it. As in, it’s ours, and we don’t plan on sharing it because we deem it rather special to us. It’s part of that whole ‘commitment’ thing, whether for a day or a lifetime. Otherwise cheating would be going out of style. How special we treat it depends in large part how special you treated it. If you let men take you for joyrides like a car… just sayin.
“Possession” of a person and their sexuality (and who they share it with) usually doesn’t bother women when we apply it to the idea of a committed relationship to a long term boyfriend or a marriage to a husband. In that case, that ring signifies “Hands off bitch, he’s mine.. i own him and his dick, nyah nyah, his alpha seed is mine! I won, you can take you hypergamous pussy somewhere else. I OWN HIM!” Funny how that works huh.
So distasteful when we say we want to own your sexuality but nothing like you wanting to owning us, men, our fidelity and commitment.
Hmmm. Must consult the Philosoraptor on this.
In any case, no matter how mad you get, a majority of men will agree this is the way it is. It’s how the sexual market place operates. It just so happens to resemble car sales rather well.
The only thing this example couldn’t factor for was the *love* factor. Usually a woman will say something stupid like “But it doesn’t matter how much sex she had with how many random partners she had.. as long as she truly loves the one she’s with now, why should her number matter?” Let me explain something to you.
The only person she is going to really *LOVE* is an Alpha (the alpha of her eye may be a beta, but his act is Alpha enough to her). Through and through, no questions asked she will love an Alpha of her eye with all her might because it is in her nature to attempt to earn the love of a top alpha. The problem is that most real Alpha’s with options do not want to settle on the town bike, unless her beauty and genetics are so stunning as to make it worth his while, and he is a natural Alpha, where keeping her is as effortless as breathing. (this is like a mechanic buying a broken down wreck, but he has the tools to restore her)
When a woman says “why should her number matter when she truly loves him?” it is precisely because the majority of men at this point in her life(late) will NOT be natural Alpha’s(they’re snatched up & spoken for), and whatever initial love she is feeling thanks to a chemical concoction of brain juice, once it wears off all she will be left with are comparisons between this lesser man standing in front of her and all the previous romeo’s and throbbing cocks that brought her to that drug addled high she so once enjoyed on the carousel. That new man thrill, repeating the initial love chemistry cocktail over and over. Whatever love she feels right NOW is fleeting. It’s so inevitable you can set your clock to it!
See, the car analogy goes both ways too. Not in terms of mileage, but in terms of what you get for the price you can afford. It’s just that women have less currency to spend as they age, and can’t afford to finance the sporty American muscle car or the European luxury car. They can’t even afford to lease it. They might still be able to rent it for a night. So all she’s got left is enough to finance a domestic people mover.
I’m sorry. When a woman decides to spend her whole life renting and leasing Chargers and Mustangs for quick thrills and joyrides.. the idea of ending up with a Minivan for the rest of her days will never be overcome, no matter how much she might have loved it’s 283hp 3.6L engine and loaded trim features when she test drove it on the lot.
Don’t get me wrong… it’s a great fucking vehicle for a family!
But it’s still just a minivan…
A collection of my comments that spurred me to write this post. (i was high on coffee and yogurt the day i wrote these. pure gold!)