Really quick post.
I felt depressed today. It’s been a while since i been with anyone, no need to put a number on it (and any woman who tells me they haven’t had it in X weeks and feels ‘frustrated’…
HERE’S A QUARTER. CALL SOMEONE WHO HAS ONE FUCK TO GIVE.
I don’t count the episode with my ex-busted-friendzone. Tho a bit of fooling around, it didn’t amount to shit nor ended up going where i wanted it to go. But it was for the best.
A coworker of mine picked up a hot polish yoga instructor over the weekend. Saw the pics.. damn. Just added to my frustration. I want to be able to do what he does.. what most of you apparently can do. Approach, open, jibberjab, neg, deflect, tease, etc.. without so much as batting an eyelash. I’ve read all your blogs. I’m reading ‘The Game’. I hear the advice…
Roosh, Heartiste, Rollo, Yohami, Badger, Dogsquat, Leap, Athol, Vox, FFY, Danny, Dange/Play, Dalrock, and on and on… and i’ve read so much i have no clue what it is i’m looking for any more or what can save me?
PUA bangs? Stable life with a partner? A wingman? Treat’m like sluts and go for the kill early.. we don’t marry sluts. But then i’ll never find one to bunker down with? How could i? If they give it up on date 1.. slut. If she holds out for several dates because she’s looking for something more, i’m a chump, i have to assume she would bang David Beckham in a ONS or it’s what she did early in life. If she’s chaste, then im a fool because she’ll expect me to be a utility/pack mule serving her female interests from a bygone dead era of chivalry. If she wants marriage, i’m fucked because marriage 2.0 dictates i’m an idiot for signing that paper again. All roads lead off a cliff.
But let’s not get ahead of myself..
I’m not anywhere close to being game ready yet. I don’t have the gift of gab or the patience to deal with the types of girls my coworker (or most of the PUA crowd) deals with. I’ve come to not trust hypergamous women, so even tho i understand the nature of the beast, i can’t respect it. It’s the 21st century. Biology can’t be used as a justification for stupid choices. If i can seduce you by being a douche, i cannot respect you enough to let you stay the night when we’re done. It’s my limbo. I still feel like i’m looking for something more.. tho that’s probably the latent beta in me talking. I envy Rollo after reading his post about his marriage. He says he lucked out in how it happened, but that’s so much of life.. pure luck. I don’t know whether gaming chicks and trying to go for 50 bangs in a year is going to fix my inner demons.. the ones that want me to make up for a good chunk of my prior incel life, to make up for what i missed out on OR look for one of those mystical unicorns that i know exist. (Girlwriteswhat is proof).
People tell me i look good. That’s great and all, but we all know it might only get one foot in the door, and im cursed with working in the downtown core, so i see nothing but chiseled Hollywood man-jaw American Dad types all around me that girls salivate over so whatever anyone thinks of me, my surroundings actually create self esteem issues. I’m surrounded by beautiful people.
It doesn’t help that i’m dull and quite introverted. I can talk and be social.. i’m sure there is video evidence of that somewhere. It just drains me. And it feels like a nightmare trying to be social with the group i want to be sexually attractive to, the 22-27 crowd.. the only crowd i’d give a chance to try for children with if they stuck around for a couple of years to earn my trust. As much as i can relate better to the 30′s crowd of women, i won’t entertain any idea of giving them the shot for their baby rabies. So again i’m in limbo.
I need the manosphere to give me a good kick in the ass. Go out to a bar, drop a shot to warm up, and use a couple of openers and get shot down and just let the warmth of rejection flow over me until it becomes just another opportunity to open. I need to get over my fear of women, stop treating them.. no revering them as the prize. I am the prize.. i just need to fucking feel it first. Wish i had a wingman or a mentor to guide me ala Mystery. Anyone in Toronto up for some sargin’?
As Cypher said.. everyone falls the first time. I need to fall. I need to own my own banner. I need to face my fear and let it pass through me, then i will not fear the mind killer.
But with all this running through my head, i did the one thing for myself that felt right.
I got on my bike, the bike i bought four years ago when i was out of shape. The one i bought with the purpose of getting into shape. The one i left to rust in my garage for four years throughout my marriage. The one i recently had my friend take in for a tune up along with his bike. Tonight i got on that bike, and we rode out into the night.. close to an hour of just riding and chatting with the wind at our backs. No one to answer to, but yourself.
I plan to go on a lot more of these sojourns to clear my mind. I can, at any time, i’m bound to no one but myself.
That’s the freedom of MGTOW that i cherish.
Guess it wasn’t a really quick post afterall. Funny how that always happens.